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We are good looking people who have romantic interests for each other so fangirls can squeal while we do romantic stuff

We know what Bakumatsu is and Kikansetsu is legible Japanese but what the hell does Irohanihoheto mean?

A simple google search for Irohanihoheto shows that it’s the first phrase in the Iroha poem. The Iroha poem is some witty poem that manages to use every (ancient) kana exactly once. Doing that in a Japanese poem is like constructing a 26 words English poem that use all the alphabets once. In fact, the word ‘Iroha’ itself  is like the ABC of Japanese.

The alleged meaning of the poem is about some deep philosophical Buddhism shit. It’s something a crude man like me, whose vocabulary is the full range of ‘fuck’, would not understand. But from what I can gather, it has something to do with how karma is ever changing and formless.

We are your ikemen for your yaoi fanfic

I am sharing all this because context is very important in Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto as half of the fun is to see how they weave history into this fantasy samurai show.

So here’s the basic story and context for the show. Akizuki is the descendant of this sword wielding Chinese badasses whose job is to use their special sword to seal off this magical head of a vengeful warrior. This vengeful warrior was a rebel during the Qin Dynasty. He was beheaded and his decapitated head got really piss off with Qin Shi Huang because Qin Shi Huang was an asshole. This piss off head got so angry that it became magical and float around doing evil shit.

Below, I will try to account on the real legend of Qin Shi Huang and add in how Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto revised this later on.

To give you an idea of this Qin Shi Huang guy, he is that guy who worked people’s ass off to build the Great Wall of China. His achievement includes unifying China, perpetuate the use of coins, burn lots of books that criticize him and got so bad shit insane that he is actually trying to find the elixir of life. Oh, and he totally worked people’s ass off even after his death by asking people to build tons of statute warriors to protect his grave. As you can see, he is one big man child who sometimes has sand in his vagina.

So being an asshole like him, he send out troops of Chinese wizards to find the elixir of life because fuck people, he want to live forever. One of this wizard is Xu Fu, which legend has it, migrated with 3000 children to Japan while in search of the elixir of life. If legend is to be believe, this Xu Fu guy is one of the best con artist in history.

Xu Fu went to someplace that might be ancient Japan to search for the elixir of life. During his first search of the elixir of life, he realise that Qin Shi Huang is a big man child who won’t hesitate to kill off Chinese wizards who have failed in their search of the elixir. With that knowledge in mind, and the fact that Xu Fu knew that this elixir of life bullshit is one huge bullshit, he pretty much gave up and started to plan his lies.

He went back to China and told Qin Shi Huang hat there’s this greedy deity in Japan who asked for more giving  in order for an exchange of the elixir. This is why he needs a platoon of armies, 3000 children, lots of money and other materials so that he can go back to Japan in order to please this greedy deity. Qin Shi Huang , usually a smart guy, got duped by Xu Fu and granted him his requests. Xu Fu, seeing his plans worked, laughed and went on having a good life in Japan.

And here’s where Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto revised this piece of history. The show totally ignored all of the above and says that Qin Shi Huang asked Xu Fu to seal off the vengeful decapitated head(mentioned in paragraph 5) in Japan during his searched for the elixir of life because fuck Japan, they need evil head in their country.

So the story of Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto began, 2000 years later, an era where Japanese got bullied by evil Americans into opening their ports and the beginning of the Meiji Restoration.

Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto is set in 1868, which is near the end of Bakumatsu where all the exciting big wars happen. It especially focus on the events that happen after Sakamoto Ryouma death, namely the bloodless edo war and such. To put it simply, Sakamoto Ryouma is this guy who pioneers the Meiji Restoration and our main character, Akizuki Yojiro, was once a bodyguard of his.

Troubling times call for extreme measures. With knowledge that there is this almighty evil head in Japan, people started to search and unleash the power of the sealed head for their own personal reasons. Some people want to use power to wreck havocs, some want to use it to save Japan, while our hero, Akizuki, just want to seal that motherfucking piece of shit while being sad that he can’t save Ryouma.

I has blue eyes when I sense evil head and I know no english because I is ancient Japanese Samurai

With that, we began our journey on how an evil head floats around to conspire real and important events in Japanese history … … with real historical characters … … and some sweet sweet romance between two good looking humans … …. and a plan for revenge … … and some sword and gun wielding actions … … and evil evil foreigners, all of which with instances of badly drawn animations.

Oh! Japanese woman in 1868. Must be sexist then! Here’s my chance to be the white knight who is anti sexism. Now I can finally be famous. Rape Jokes.

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GaoGaiGar is nothing like Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. The reason why non super robot fan can get into TTGL is because it can be seen as both a parody and a celebration to old school super robot show. It’s also a coming of age story where little boy grows into manly man. Most importantly, the characters are the focus, not the robots.  It also break away from being formulaic very early on.

GaoGaiGar on the other hand is all about the robots. They even make half of their fucking cast sentient robots. That’s why if you don’t like your transforming robots, you wouldn’t enjoy your GaoGaiGar as much as  a robot fan( I am not a robot fan). The formulaic nature is also tedium.

Watching GaoGaiGar is a weird experience because I used every passing minute to wish that their characters will just self sacrifice and  die but that never really happen. Didn’t they watch Gekigangar 3? Super Robot anime should have manly self sacrificial scene where people die protecting their friends. The only death in GGG is for this old man that no one really cares. They even have the nerve to prepare another character that looks and acts like him in case you miss this type of character.

Also, whenever they are in a pinch(which I might add, only happen once or twice), I would want them to use their guts and will power to overcome it but they love to use some science fi bullshit to solve things. Who the fuck watches Super Robot anime to see science? Guts and hotblood is all you need! Kick science out of my robot show.

You also better stay off from GaoGaiGar if you hate kid characters because their main character is a 8 years old kid called Mamoru. Damn, I fucking hate Mamoru. I died a little inside whenever he shouts “WAHA!”.

Fuck Mamoru because he is the character where 8 years old kids insert themselves into. He’s like your self insert harem character but instead of hot chicks, he gets the chance to hang out with transformer robots.

Fuck him. He’s not cool at all. Everytime I watch him, I can’t help but think that some 8 years old kid will be thinking about how cool he would be if he’s Mamoru and that makes me angry because Mamoru sucks. I also can’t help but think that every motive and move made by Mamoru is to pander and appeal to 8 years old so it would be easier for them to insert themselves as Mamoru. That makes Mamoru looks like a ball of contrived and calculated shit.

Now, that’s not to say that there aren’t good episodes of GaoGaiGar. Like I said before, episode 28 to 30 are pretty sweet and hit every expectations you have for a super robot anime. It also explains how robots kill dinosaur and cause ice age which is kinda cool and unpredictable. The last episode was pretty cool as well but they have to spoil everything by making it so anti climatic. A good analogy for the last minute of GGG would be like changing Gurren Lagann last episode and make Simon uses his spiral power to revive all his buddy.

Fuck GGG man. I wasted so many time on it, thinking and hoping it would be cool. I was so hyped up to see some hotblooded super robot cliches but GaoGaiGar didn’t live up to my expectation. I can’t fault it though because it’s clearly a 49 episode transformer robots commercial aimed at 8 years old kid. I can see myself liking it if I was 8 because cities got destroyed and there are some messages about family value with some character development. 8 years old think that’s edgy and deep because they are only exposed to stagnant shit like Barney.

Hell, I remember thinking Spriggan is so deep and edgy and not kid stuff when I was 10. Never know it’s a laughing stock among anime fans. Fuck them because Spriggan is cool and I am 10. It’s still too bad though as I am 2 years older than GaoGaiGar’s targeted audience.

 

Super robot show should be hotblooded, passionate and courageous. It should have stake so high and adversaries so huge that it seems impossible to overcome.

Then with guts, passion and manly speeches( in this order), our heroes would then harness just enough will power to beat the boss until the next boss appears and beat our heroes down.  Repeat this process until you get so manly that you can’t be any manlier. Some of our heroes die in this process but we will learn and benefit from their death and place them forever in our heart.

At least that’s what I expected out of a good super robot show and GaoGaiGar has little to none of that for 35 episodes.

The fundamental flaw of GaoGaiGar is that all but 2 fighting characters are AIs. That itself lowers the stake because AIs are not human and can tolerate high strain while being able to get repair midway during the battle. This took away the joy of seeing the grit of our heroes after their humanly body gets abused.

It removes tension since who the fuck care if robots are destroyed?  They are just robots so you can always rebuild them! Even still, after 35 episodes, they only have 2 near destroyed instances and they came out all right without having the chance to say manly speeches during their revival. Their revivals are always anti climatic because they just appears out of nowhere and sometimes even fully repaired.

Now, I agree that being able to repair midway during battles and using AIs to fight aliens make logical sense and that itself makes GaoGaiGar a pretty smart super robot show. In fact, GaoGair answered a lot of our questions that we have when we watch robot show.

For example, we always ask, why don’t the enemy just gang them out and not always deal 1 on 1? This was actually answered and there are instances where we have 4 on 4 and 2 on1 where our heroes have numerical disadvantage.

Then there’s also the question of why not use your final move or change to your final fusion when you  first encounter your enemy? Why even change into power ranger when you can change into your super robot form and unleash your final sword cutting move? GaoGaiGar answered this shit since episode 2 because sure as hell they change to their final fusion and unleash their final move as fast as they could.

After watching GaoGaiGar tearing through enemies with no buildup to the final move, you would finally understand why power rangers took their time to transform into ranger first then fight with robots for a while before unleashing their final move. Unleashing your final move without buildup is anti-climatic.  Doing it once or twice is maybe cool and subversive but having 20 over episodes of final moves after 50 seconds of action buildup is painful.

Here’s another instance where you know that GaoGaiGar’s characters are very smart.  Midway during the show, after they found out that the final move cause lots of strain to the user’s body, they came out with a new special move that get rid of all repercussion . As smart as that sounds, this further lowers the already low stake and make things very anti-cliamtic and unexciting.

They took away all tension and drama with that plot point. Imagine this, finally, our heroes might die anytime and things are starting to get a little tense but they went on and remove this repercussion which led to killing off any tension that we might once have. What a killjoy that is.

Oh, and that big reveal that every GaoGaiGar’s fan hyped up for during that legendary episode 31 is not that big of a deal as well. I expected it to be a plot twist where our main characters are actually fighting the good guys that are trying to prevent the destruction of earth by extreme means or something epic like episode 15 of TTGL but what we have got is that the enemies they are fighting are just the scouting units and there are actually bigger enemies out there. There, I fucking spoiled the huge reveal because honestly, you would be disappointed if you expected too much out of it.

These bigger enemies are just 31  robots that only seem threatening for 1 episode anyway so who the fuck cares. Fuck, they even told you the amount and it isn’t something impossibly massive like 1 million. What kind of number is 31 anyway? Bleh!

Then after episode 31, they gets into the formula of fighting one or more of the 31 robots, introduce new partner AI robots/tools , fight enemies robot with slightly more buildup again and again and again. The only change is that they make the formula of monster per week into monster per 2 weeks! How incredible non-formulaic like how all the fans told you.

Fuck it man, I heard that it gets awesome after episode 36 because they fight in Jupiter or something but by now, I don’t even believe anything anymore after so many failed “it gets good after this episode” promises.

I personally think that GaoGaiGar is not worth it considering it needs so many episodes to build up to the supposedly good part. Some find it good after episode 27,  some episode 20, some episode 13 and some episode 30. For me, only episode 28-31 are good because they have what I stated in the first paragraph. Other than that, it has a lot of middling episodes and many downright boring one.

Ah, how I wished I can get all pumped out and passionate about GaoGaiGar when I sing along with the opening theme, too bad that never happens after episode 28-31. I still have that tiny hope of the Jupiter arc to do good because please, at least make this last 13 episodes a good memory for me where I would say that 23X49 mins of my life is worth it.

Yesterday, I was in a very deep sleep. I love deep sleep because it always means awesome dream. I dreamt of the perfect town last night.

At first, the dream starts up normal and I was in my home, lazing around. Everything look so normal until I decide to go to some real life bookstore. Then boom! My town changed into the best town ever

Just within 50 metres around my house, it has every facility I wanted. It has some carnival plaza going on which look like a glorified supermarket that sells everything. Someone told me that finally we have some good carnival plaza and it should never stop because our shithole of a town deserves better after years of being shithole.

Then I somehow dated some hot chick which is a renowned bitch and we are roaming around the plaza. Through interacting with her, I found out that she’s not that bitchy. She’s just a fun loving girl who isn’t aware that she is bitchy.

We walk around the plaza, which I must emphasize that it’s is just 50 metres apart from my house, and saw some digimon and angry bird plushies.

We then venture outside the plaza which has some weird arcade cabinets laying around. She went on and played some difficult rhythm game which somehow has some 2 huge wooden sledgehammers as controllers and I am supposed to use one to help her control the game. She said to me that if I fucked up, she would give me hell. Hell might be sex but I am not sure because I fucked up easily and she just went on and inserts another coin to continue the game.

As if trying to make fun of me, she perfected the game and shows me the victory sign. We went into the plaza again and met her friend then boom! Scene change and I found my friend who wants to know the direction of a spectacle shop that is just right at the end of a corridor of my home.

I didn’t know anything about the shop but I somehow gain all the knowledge about it went he told me the name of the shop. I told him that the entrance is sealed off and he needs to go to the backdoor to enter it. Then I realize that the shop is already closed because I went to the backdoor and boom! It turns into a football field where my hometown professional team was playing.

I must emphasize again that all of these happen within 50 metres around my house. Oh, and I think I housed my friend but he disappears all of the sudden.

I saw Zidane and some Italian players playing. Then they kick the ball to me and I showed some skills. They want me to play with them for the next match then boom! I suddenly have a sister and we are biking around town after going to some mall. Her bike fucked up and she was going to ram into a car. For some reason, she just glides above the car and come up safe. Then BANG! I return back to my home where I am suddenly housing the girl that I am secretly in love with.

Somehow, I think that the image of the bitchy gamer girl I spoke of earlier is mixed into the girl I secretly like, which makes no sense at all but I just go along with it. Alongside are some Zidane and other people.

Then my mom came back home. The mom is not really my mom. They looked and acted totally different but I just assumed that she was my mom. I have to hide my entire guest for some reason like I am doing something wrong so I set up a portal that separates my bath room from living room.

How this portal works is pretty interesting. When cast upon, it would change the room into the state of a certain time period. For example, if today was the 19th of July 2012, 12am, I can set the room to its state of 7th July 2012, 3am, and everything that happens and anyone that enters the room would be the same as 7th July 2012, 3am. So with that, if my mom enters the bathroom, she would be in the state of 19th July 2012 while my guest would be in the state of 7th July 2012 so they would never meet.

I just realize that that is a brilliant fucking concept and I should work up a movie from that.

All of the sudden, BOOM! Scene change and I went out with the guests I am hosting. We went just outside my house which looks identical to the outside of my real life house.

There’s a hill that forms a grass field just 50 something metres away from my house. We all lie on there. It’s 3am and we saw some dogs fucking.They are supposed to be some near extinction dog breed so it’s good that they are fucking.

Then boom! Best part coming. Naked hot chick that looks like some JAV I watched last night is masturbating in front of us. My guest turns naked and jerks off to her. The woman glance at us but didn’t give a shit and continues rubbing her vigina.

Then I am also somehow naked but I didn’t jerk off because the scene suddenly changed into the focus of my laptop screen where I hastily close all the porn tabs while my father is watching. All my desktop icons and browser tabs are full of porn that I remembered leaving on last night( I actually did, in real life, leave tabs of porn open before I went to sleep). I just assume myself that my pops is near blind so he can’t see all the lewd pictures of women sucking cock.

The End.

Now if you excuse me, I need to resume to my Google Chrome Browser’s tabs.

I watched 7 episodes of it and it is terrible. People say that it gets good after 25 episodes so I skipped to episode 26 and it is still terrible. Then I read that it’s actually after episode 30 that it gets awesome. The whole show is 49 episodes. I am pretty sure I don’t need to elaborate on that.

GaoGaiGar is terrible because it’s your generic monster of the week show. It’s predictable and formulaic. A basic episode goes like this, bad guy turns angry civilian into robot. Good guy transform into giant robot, execute finishing move, turns bad robot back to civilian and the end.

There are no adversaries, no climaxes and no up and down because it’s so predictable. The good guy would always win and even if there’s some trouble, there will always be new tools and other deus ex machina shit( which by the way, are totally toy commercial products) appearing and save the day. Never once you felt any tension or danger for the main character because it’s clearly a kid show where there isn’t really a payoff at the end of an episode.

There are no manliness, no hotbloodiness because there are nothing that would beat the main character down to the point where he would need the power of wills and guts to overcome his adversaries. There are no big bad speech that tells you how courage and hardwork beats everything. All you have is some throwaway ridiculous line that tries to hard to be passionate but failed because there’s nothing to be manly about.

Rinse and repeat and this shit goes on for 20 or 30 episodes, depending on which source you listen to.

No matter how good a show becomes, it’s ridiculous that you need 30 episodes, 12 hours of your fucking life, 5 masturbation sessions for you to get there. I may have a lot of time but fuck me for having better things to do.

Now, I am entirely ok with the “it gets good later on” bullshit and always believe in it. Stein;Gate is the prime example of that where I have to sit through 13 episodes of  generic terrible character interactions where the plot moves nowhere and have no idea or promise of any decent payback, just because someone told me that it gets good after 13 episodes, which it did.

Though, I am still bitter that the first 13 episodes suck so bad and because of that, I wouldn’t even dare to recommend it to others because I know how ridiculous it sounds when you say that shit only gets good after 6+ hours. Actually fuck that, I am sure people would dig it and think that the first 13 episodes were awesome because they have no taste.

Hell, I even gave Gintama a chance and watched 30 episodes of that shit even though I didn’t even chuckle once, which leads me to believe that I would totally win the  “don’t laugh while we play this amusing clip”  competition because I didn’t laugh once with this supposedly best comedy of all time. I finally gave up on it because my friend told me that it only has like 20/250 good episodes and the first good episode appears during some ridiculous episode count like 58 or something.

My point is, “it gets better later on” works if it is under 14 episodes or in Gintama’s case, 1/8 of the show( as I heard that after episode 20, it only gets more and more awesome, which it doesn’t). Anymore than that and I would hate myself.

Believe it or not, I am so anal with watching anime that I pay so much attention that I would ask myself what did the characters say 5 mins ago. If I forgot that, I would rewind the show to refresh my memories even if the show is dull. If I don’t do that, there will be this nagging feeling of not really “completing” a show even though I don’t know what’s the fucking point in completion anyway.

In simpler terms, I can’t just blast through 30 episodes of trite bullshit while chilling out like others do.

Then there’s also another quirk of mine where I would notice sub that is just making shit up because I understand enough Japanese to get all anal when I find discrepancy. Then what did I do after noticing the discrepancy? I fucking rewind it to listen to the same dialog multiple times just to make sure. Make sure of what? What’s the point of doing that? I don’t know but there would be this nagging feeling if I don’t do that.

So GaoGaiGar is nearly impossible for me to hold on to until 30 episodes if I marathon it. I want to hold on because I know it would turn into hot blooded shit that I love but I would be just torturing myself if I do that.

So now I am treating GGG like how it really should be, a daily cartoon that runs for not more than 2 episodes per day. I am now interspersing GaoGaiGar with Patlabour TV where I would watch like 2 episodes of them one after another during a specific period of time like how it would be if I watch them on TV. Hopefully, that would make things more digestible and I can finally complete these two anime and move on with other stuff like Patlabour 2.

IWICSYI

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