I have this pet theory on how the best storytellers are people with the dullest life story. It’s the desperate struggle to find some spice in their boring life that sparks these wonderful imaginative stories. I also think I am talking out of my ass because how can I even quantify that? It’s just a thing I tell myself and believed in based on some figments of my imagination.
Anyway, here’s my life story. I just stay at home all day, skipped as many classes as I can, and browse the net for the whole day. Time ticks by and hours had passed with nothing to show for. How can I possibly sustain a life like this? However, I am stuck in this rut because I am stuck with this education path, a path where I can’t possibly excel in yet is easy enough to maintain a B. In the end, I know it’s not enough because I learned jack shit. All I got out of it is knowing how to tackle exam questions without really understanding anything. Trying to further understand the material requires efforts and time that I am not willing to put into because I am not interested and my head hurts. Any ideas of taking up on any pet projects require fuck ton of time and effort that will lead my assignment deadlines astray. These deadlines also linger on my mind so I can’t pursue anything else with a peace of mind so what did I do? Nothing, I did nothing. I have always waited until the pressure reached the boiling point to psyche myself in giving the last ditch effort. So far it always worked out ok, but it’s a risk and the lingering thoughts of how it will definitely fail this time round is haunting.
I distract myself by reading tons and tons of things I am interested in. Histories, current affairs, stories, movies, science and whatever! However, those felt like a waste of time because I am procrastinating and I know I am not doing what I am supposed to. It’s just an easy excuse because they are intellectual things that are good to know. It all became futile endeavors though because I can only consume but not create. No matter how much I read up on totalitarian rulers, there are another mountains of materials to read up on. I can’t in good faith give any intelligent analysis on totalitarian because I didn’t do any rigor academia works on it. All I have is just 10 hours of half-baked readings and wasted time.
I also tried out different things, reaching out to every single thing I could think of in order to feel anything. However, all of them seem like a monumental task that will take too much time to conquer when I have this education obstacle in front of me pushing me back. It’s the fear of not being able to manage it this time round that incapacitated me to do other things. Critically thinking, I should set up a schedule but time passes so fast it’s scary. By the time I read up on stuff, it’s time to sleep again. It got worst now when I start spending time worrying about time passing so fast while I distract myself with bite-sized entertainment in youtube and forums. Before I realise, time had mercilessly passed and I did nothing of value again. Take writing this up for an instance. I took an hour to typed up all these bullshit and thus sacrificing all the time I could use for other meaningful things. Is typing up all these meaningful? No, but I already did it in order to satisfy the illusion of being productive. It’s a vicious cycle I can’t get out of and it’s slowly killing me inside.