I love writing. Even if I am not good with it, it doesn’t change the fact that it gave me a lot in my life.

I write when I an depressed, I write when I am happy and I write just because I felt like doing it. I think the reason why people are so against writing is due to the narssticic nature of writing. To put your writing out there implies that you think people are interested in what you had to say. It’s two times the embarrassment when you know that no one actually care what you say. Thus, it felt egregiously narssticic to persist on and continue writing. Which perfectly described the reason why large amount of blogs are forsaken out there.

It is embarrassing putting your half fucked grammar and spellings out there. I am always ashamed when people read what I wrote out loud. You wonder how they interpret it and I mostly ended up disappointed when you found out your articulation is not good enough to get your points across.However, you truly know that you love a thing when you persist on with no actual results in sight.

Results? What’s the motivation of writing? Is it to resonate? Probably but once you realized you are not cut for it, you give yourself reasons such as writing for your own pleasure. It’s self masturbatory and like masturbations, too much of it has an adverse effect. It kinda show how cowardly you are.

I always struggled with my self image. Am I too cowardly? Am I too indecisive? Am I antagozing anyone? I seldom get words of encouragement so I always think I am doing something bad. But I never got any words of discouragements as well so I guess no one really care? Do I want people to care? I don’t know, it felt very self centered to feel that way. Ultimately, humans are social creatures so I think I care but caring is on a spectrum and relatively speaking, I can see the benefits from both sides so I don’t think it matters.

Talking about caring, sometimes I hope people are more honest and tell me how they really percieve me.

Those who do, as much as I appreciate it, they can’t quite articulate why. Weird is the most common term they used but weird is all sort of vague. Is it good? Is it bad? How do you even gauge? I got most of what I want and doesnt get bog down by what I didn’t get so I guess it’s good? However, my ambition is all sort of vague too so maybe I should be less weird so more opportunities will be opened up?

One thing I really dislike is when people percieve my writings as entitled, passive agessive and whiny. No one actually say that but I felt it’s percieved as such. The evidence is contrary since I still do my jobs and put in 100% regardless of what I wrote or say. I don’t actually ask for anything when I do something because I start everything with the expectation that it will be bad.

I know passive aggressiveness, I have tons of passive agessive writings in the past but I really hate it since it felt so insincere. I don’t like insincerity, everything should be earnest. I want to be earnest so it’s kinda shitty when people don’t reciprocate the same earnestness.

I think I should be more laid back and don’t be so serious all the time. Maybe it’s the desire of wanting to be treated seriously.

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