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In order to understand the state of my mental health and how happy I am, you need to understand that writing is the valve I let loose when I am lost. The entire reason why I didn’t even post a single thing last year is because I am very contented with life. Of course, having a 8 to 6 job drastically cut down on my free time. Adding to that, having an active online presence that can be used against me is not beneficial in my line of field. However, I used my free time lazing around instead of writing because I have nothing I want to say. I still watch and read anime and manga but not a lot of them can squeeze out more than a few 280 words tweet from me. What can I say that haven’t been said already? More importantly, I don’t feel the need to satiate the void that I used to feel via writing.

My biggest fear in life -that thing that lingers on unassumingly- is the feeling that I will be lost once again, where the darkness and paralysis will strike when I least expected it.

This is why now I am recording these down, to remind myself how I got here and how for almost 2 years, I have lived with a sense of purpose without the plague of existential crisis lingering on my mind. It’s as if the past few years pre 2017 were a joke. However, I know that’s not a figment of my imagination, the sense of existential crisis was real and the reason why I am not proactive on somethings even now is due to the repurcussions of my lowest point. I want to avoid the risk of falling back into the hole again. The feeling of thinking I am a piece of shit still can’t be shaken off. The core has not changed, it just that I owned it more now with other external validations taming the feeling.

Anyway, Maquia, Dragon Ball Super Broly, Asobi Asobase are definitely the top anime I have seen this year. Alliance Alive, The Missing and The World Ends With You are the top contenders for game of the year.

Best movie I am still undecided because my input are a lot less than previous years.

Top manga that I completed in 2018 go to Kasane, Yondemasuyo Azazel, Machida no Sekai, I Sold My Life for Ten Thousand Yen per Year, Hengoku no Schwester and Prison School if the ending was not so disappointing.


I love writing. Even if I am not good with it, it doesn’t change the fact that it gave me a lot in my life.

I write when I an depressed, I write when I am happy and I write just because I felt like doing it. I think the reason why people are so against writing is due to the narssticic nature of writing. To put your writing out there implies that you think people are interested in what you had to say. It’s two times the embarrassment when you know that no one actually care what you say. Thus, it felt egregiously narssticic to persist on and continue writing. Which perfectly described the reason why large amount of blogs are forsaken out there.

It is embarrassing putting your half fucked grammar and spellings out there. I am always ashamed when people read what I wrote out loud. You wonder how they interpret it and I mostly ended up disappointed when you found out your articulation is not good enough to get your points across.However, you truly know that you love a thing when you persist on with no actual results in sight.

Results? What’s the motivation of writing? Is it to resonate? Probably but once you realized you are not cut for it, you give yourself reasons such as writing for your own pleasure. It’s self masturbatory and like masturbations, too much of it has an adverse effect. It kinda show how cowardly you are.

I always struggled with my self image. Am I too cowardly? Am I too indecisive? Am I antagozing anyone? I seldom get words of encouragement so I always think I am doing something bad. But I never got any words of discouragements as well so I guess no one really care? Do I want people to care? I don’t know, it felt very self centered to feel that way. Ultimately, humans are social creatures so I think I care but caring is on a spectrum and relatively speaking, I can see the benefits from both sides so I don’t think it matters.

Talking about caring, sometimes I hope people are more honest and tell me how they really percieve me.

Those who do, as much as I appreciate it, they can’t quite articulate why. Weird is the most common term they used but weird is all sort of vague. Is it good? Is it bad? How do you even gauge? I got most of what I want and doesnt get bog down by what I didn’t get so I guess it’s good? However, my ambition is all sort of vague too so maybe I should be less weird so more opportunities will be opened up?

One thing I really dislike is when people percieve my writings as entitled, passive agessive and whiny. No one actually say that but I felt it’s percieved as such. The evidence is contrary since I still do my jobs and put in 100% regardless of what I wrote or say. I don’t actually ask for anything when I do something because I start everything with the expectation that it will be bad.

I know passive aggressiveness, I have tons of passive agessive writings in the past but I really hate it since it felt so insincere. I don’t like insincerity, everything should be earnest. I want to be earnest so it’s kinda shitty when people don’t reciprocate the same earnestness.

I think I should be more laid back and don’t be so serious all the time. Maybe it’s the desire of wanting to be treated seriously.

I don’t know how to describe my feelings after reading Scum’s Wish. Is it captivating enough for me to binge read it within hours? Yes. Did I really like it? Not really. Did I hate it through? Not really.

Normally 8 is the number I give when I really like a work and 7 is for work with feelings described above, kinda not here or there but entertaining enough for me to finished it without feeling like a chore. However, a 7 work definitely doesn’t make me feel compel to write about it. Hell, even an 8,9 or 10 work does not compel me to do so. Thus, Scum’s Wish is truly an exception so 7 seems too low but I don’t like it enough to give an 8.

Of course, number rating is all arbitrary but I think it’s a good and tangible way to convey how complicated I felt when I feel the need to reflect my thoughts after finishing Scum’s Wish.

First, the characters are fantastical. What I am trying to say is that they don’t feel real even though the manga tried to lay on thick with primal sexuality that are deemed to be grounded. On one of the author’s note, she described the main theme for the story as “The beauty of otaku’s loneliness” and that’s exactly what it is. It’s just a pure unfiltered fantasy of what an otaku think is loneliness. It’s an exaggeration of real thoughts amplified by ten and it truly read like a fantasy contorted by a Fujioshi. Therefore, it felt very contrived but on one hand, it also has so much edge that it gave a sense of realism because the characters are all so “realistic”.

Realistic with quotation because it’s not true to life. It’s more like the characters are so materialistic and blunt, it gave a sense that they are real. However, it’s obvious they are not real because they don’t act like real people so it’s some exaggeration of realness. To give an analogy, it felt like a fetish hentai. With that, I mean the fetish is god damn true and real, people really imagine this like that but no one really act like the characters in these hentai. For example, thoughts of nurses really turn people on but scenarios in nurse porn are impossible and no one really want to realize them.

That’s why Scum’s Wish created so much dissonance because it’s so obviously fantastical while so successfully convey fragments of what people might think. That’s why it’s truly exceptional. I think this is what people get from Yuri and Yaoi works. Exaggeration of real thoughts, imaginations and struggles yet felt so unrealistic at the same time. It’s a fever dream and it’s kinda pleasant but you know that it’s too detached from reality that it will not create true resonance.

The difference between my feelings on Prison School and Scum’s Wish, even though they seem so similar, is because I understand the fantasy in Prison School but I have no clue or resonance for the fantasy presented in Scum’s WIsh.

I don’t think Attack on Titan is good and I thought One Punch Man is one joke stretched too long and there will never be a satisfying development with that joke. What can they do beside coming out with new enemies and have things resolved with a punch? They tried with the character deconstruction approach and add in new element of jokes with characters like King but eh, it was all right.

The problem with Attack on Titan is I already played Muv Luv Alternative and it did Attack on Titan better in 2006. I also don’t think the mystery is that intriguing, a bunch of characters they didn’t developed much were the Titans that attack the city? Ok. There’s also a basement but the story didn’t lay out interesting clues so it can be anything. What can the ending be? Titans are the natural evolution of human so their purpose is to eradicates the lower tier obsolete humans? Titans are inhumane fucked up human experiments born from political struggles that went wrong so some of them are out for revenge? If I can come out with it then I am not impressed.

I might be impressed if it’s reveal that Titans are actually comedians and they ingest human because that’s the post modern form of comedy and it’s actually a decontruction of how the ultimate purpose in life is similar to getting eaten by Titan because there’s no real purpose in life. Otherwise it’s one huge joke contorted by a master comedian, playing and manipulating people’s life by transforming them into Titans because he thinks the ill of humanity is thinking too much and having too much sex. That’s why he wants to turn everyone into mindless dickless consuming machine because that’s how you reach utopia and it’s also a story arguing for eugenics. See how carefree and liberating these titans are? Be them and you can do the same! Dispose everyone that failed in turning into a Titan after being ingested! We must change the gene in a way that everyone became a Titan!

Alt right is just a radical group of free speech proponents. They use neo nazi symbols because nothing can be as terrible and offensive as Nazi. In their mind, if they can flaunt Nazi symbolisms, then free speech is alive and well. Whether they truly believe in Nazi value is besides the point. I personally believe they don’t because their activities are limited to the Internet most of the time. They live by the belief that nothing on the Internet is serious, don’t take it too seriously and it’s all for the lulz. This is why they can afford to say all the nasty shit. In fact, being able to say nasty shit emboldened their cause for free speech in their mind. That’s of course, only their perspective and whether it reflects reality or not is another question all together. For me personally, I think they are misguided.

Of course there are real nutjobs but most of them are just people who can’t string an eloquent argument for their lives so they could only follow a group that they know in their head what is in their heart. Too bad, not many can decipher what their intentions are, no thanks to the very real nutjobs that muddied the pool.

They are against PC culture because they think it’s a transgression against free speech. They also happened to believe that anyone who fight for justice online are fakers because they don’t think they do what they said. It’s part projection and part cynicism. That’s the reason why they supported Trump because he is seen as a proponent against PC culture. They can also ignore whatever rhetoric he said because they don’t really believe things people say. It’s kinda ironic that a proponent of free speech, the one who think free speech is powerful because words are powerful, don’t trust anything other people say. It’s an oxymoron of how words don’t matter but free speech matter because words matter and we need the freedom to discuss anything.

That’s their internalized reality. They live in their own bubble like almost every other group. They say nasty stuff because they didn’t realize not everyone takes it the same way they did. It’s however, very difficult for them to break their own bubble because they think they are the enlightened one. This enlightenment is highlighted by their rejection of mainstream media. It’s ironical that they have their own alternative media and they believe in it religiously like how they imagine all the “sheeple”that read mainstream news.

It’s very hard to convince someone who believe strongly that they are better than anyone. If you try to discuss with them, it just enforce their belief that they are better than you because in their mind, whatever you said are misguided liberal SJW shit. They also heard it a hundred times already and had since long made up their mind through misconstruing what “SJW” say.

So how do we deal with it? How do you reach out to someone who will misconstrued whatever you said as smug and SJW shills? By giving them some real actual experience for one. By introducing them to gays, face to face and dare them to shout fags in their face and see the real mental repercussion it has towards the lgbt group. I will admit that’s too cruel but it’s really hard to learn things you don’ believe in when you didn’t experience it yourself. So a better idea will probably be trusting that the alt right are just misguided people and introduce them to gays and Muslim and show them they are just actual normal human being like you and me. In other words, don’t engage them on the internet, they don’t take internet seriously, engage them in real life because they have no other way to escape the reality when it’s facing them in close proximity. I have no fucking idea to be honest. I think that everything I just strike through might be fucking stupid, irresponsible and dangerous. I am in no place to give any advice.

This is what I will do if I know I will die in a year. First, I will quit school and spend all my money on textbooks. Then I will rip them all out into scan-able pages and upload them in all kind of formats online on a torrent site hosted by me in some Sweden city.

After that, I will publicize what I did and let the authority catch me. During my trial, I won’t hire any lawyer. I will just shout statements like “Education is supposed to be affordable. Textbooks prices are too ridiculous! This is a clear case of class-ism! You disincentive the poor! I believe my action will help everyone around the world to get a better education because you can learn one whole semester worth of materials with just a good textbook! Fuck the textbook industry! I am dying in a few months so why should I care about your pathetic disgusting piece of price jacking business! Fuck you, fuck him, fuck her, fuck everyone!”.

Then I will burst into flame and angels will come down with trumpets, playing Ride of the Valkyries in the background. A flame sword will rise from my ashes and transform into a phoenix. I will then fly out of the court and burn down every textbook so only one of each is left and my phoenix power will instantaneously transform and upload these textbooks online into eBooks. People will remember this legacy as RISE OF THE PHOENIX, TEXTBOOK FOR EVERYONE, internet not included.

Either that or I will just live life peacefully for 1 year after I quit school.

Translation: some emo fuck rap/rhymes I wrote because fuck it, why not? It’s fun! I will probably look back in 10 years time and cringe to death but fuck it. That’s how I feel like nowadays. Just fuck it and throw every tiny little thought out there.
I have this pet theory on how the best storytellers are people with the dullest life story. It’s the desperate struggle to find some spice in their boring life that sparks these wonderful imaginative stories. I also think I am talking out of my ass because how can I even quantify that? It’s just a thing I tell myself and believed in based on some figments of my imagination.
Anyway, here’s my life story. I just stay at home all day, skipped as many classes as I can, and browse the net for the whole day. Time ticks by and hours had passed with nothing to show for. How can I possibly sustain a life like this? However, I am stuck in this rut because I am stuck with this education path, a path where I can’t possibly excel in yet is easy enough to maintain a B. In the end, I know it’s not enough because I learned jack shit. All I got out of it is knowing how to tackle exam questions without really understanding anything. Trying to further understand the material requires efforts and time that I am not willing to put into because I am not interested and my head hurts. Any ideas of taking up on any pet projects require fuck ton of time and effort that will lead my assignment deadlines astray. These deadlines also linger on my mind so I can’t pursue anything else with a peace of mind so what did I do? Nothing, I did nothing. I have always waited until the pressure reached the boiling point to psyche myself in giving the last ditch effort. So far it always worked out ok, but it’s a risk and the lingering thoughts of how it will definitely fail this time round is haunting.
I distract myself by reading tons and tons of things I am interested in. Histories, current affairs, stories, movies, science and whatever! However, those felt like a waste of time because I am procrastinating and I know I am not doing what I am supposed to. It’s just an easy excuse because they are intellectual things that are good to know. It all became futile endeavors though because I can only consume but not create. No matter how much I read up on totalitarian rulers, there are another mountains of materials to read up on. I can’t in good faith give any intelligent analysis on totalitarian because I didn’t do any rigor academia works on it. All I have is just 10 hours of half-baked readings and wasted time.
I also tried out different things, reaching out to every single thing I could think of in order to feel anything. However, all of them seem like a monumental task that will take too much time to conquer when I have this education obstacle in front of me pushing me back. It’s the fear of not being able to manage it this time round that incapacitated me to do other things. Critically thinking, I should set up a schedule but time passes so fast it’s scary. By the time I read up on stuff, it’s time to sleep again. It got worst now when I start spending time worrying about time passing so fast while I distract myself with bite-sized entertainment in youtube and forums. Before I realise, time had mercilessly passed and I did nothing of value again. Take writing this up for an instance. I took an hour to typed up all these bullshit and thus sacrificing all the time I could use for other meaningful things. Is typing up all these meaningful? No, but I already did it in order to satisfy the illusion of being productive. It’s a vicious cycle I can’t get out of and it’s slowly killing me inside.

I don’t believe in gods but playing acting as one rubs me the wrong way. Domesticating wild life to be pets felt like playing god. If not, what are the rationales behind domesticating them anyway? It all boils down to vanity and wanting to be in control. It’s not a necessity to domesticate them so doing it is all selfish desire . If you want to conserve them, leave it to experts who understand their needs and have infrastructures to make sure they live life like they are supposed to. It’s really fucked up to control their behaviors and forced it to act the ways you want them to. Domesticating wild life is equivalent to eugenics where you kill of what make them wild and force it to play well with human surroundings. We did enough fucked up things with inbreeding dogs already, do we really need another?

It’s a conflicting thought for me because I have no issue with designer child or eating meat. It’s probably because designer child is a decision humans made with their free wills and meat is a necessity for social ecological purposes. Domesticating wild life on the other hand goes against the free will of animals and is an unnecessary endeavor. Unless there’s a necessity, it’s best to just leave it as it is. We already did enough harm, so can we stop now for our selfish desire?

Do nostalgia bait articles earn any money? Probably not, otherwise they won’t all be so shitty. However, this is not a nostalgia bait article because it’s an article about now! Very positive and life changing. My life changed when I read point number 3.

5 things you should do when you are 24:
1. Go crazy! Why not? You only live once. Don’t worry about responsibility, that’s old people shit.

2.Travel around the world and learn nothing! Just spend ten of thousands of dollars doing similar things you can do in your country! That’s very fiscally responsible, but hey, look at these amazing architectures! Take some pictures and act all introspective as if you gained any insights after the trip. You still don’t know what Aleppo is though but who cares? You saw buildings and think you got something out of it!

3. Follow your dream! Don’t worry about not having one! Just follow it! Ignore the statistic of how only the top few percentile has a dream and achieved it. Ignore about fitting a square peg in a round hole. Life is not about taking it step by step and exploring the unknown and settle for what’s best for you next. It’s about dreams you have that are totally well thought out and not a heat of the moment thing. You know what you want since the day you are born; even though you have zero plan on what to do tomorrow! Remember your essay of “What you want to be” in primary 3? That didn’t change at all with circumstances!

4.Step out of your comfort zone! If you are an introvert, take a bold step and do some crazy shit that is not totally for you! Like a orgy party! Go there and try it out! You totally will be a new person coming out. I don’t know how you should go about it though.

5. Fall in love! Love is the nourishment for everything, you can’t survive without it. Don’t worry about fucking the other party up with baggage like having 0 future plan, 0 ambition, 0 stability and 0 worthy things that you can contribute to for a relationship. Be selfish, deceit and be dishonest about how your life is not just pokemon go and nothing else. What harm can it do besides a broken family where no one is happy? That doesn’t happen in the real world!

REMEMBER PEOPLE! FOLLOW YOUR DREAM! YOU CAN DO IT! Don’t worry about how 3/4 of the world is kinda messed up and you have 0 idea about it.


Chinese translation:



2:环游世界旅行!放任自己!你应该花费十几千元去外国做些你在国内也能做的东西!那是多么有计划性的理财!看!那魁梧的建筑,多让人感叹!我想这份感叹 能补助您内心的温池,让你能觉得你得到了一些深奥的见解。那是什么见解我们就不必深究,也别管什么内心的温池到底是什么意思,更别管你对现代社会毫无概 念!最中要的是你得到了一些建筑屋的照片,能让你觉得自己领悟到了一些什么。

3:追求梦想!别管你是个毫无野心毫无梦想的人!也别管自己到底适不适合因为人生就是梦!什么一步一脚印的探索未来,然后再慢慢取决最好的下一步!那些都 是毫无用武之地的废材所说的话。虽然那应该是大多数人的想法但大多数都是笨蛋!你却不是!你是特别的存在!为什么?别管为什么。你只需要追求梦想。当你出 生之时,你就理应抱有梦想。你的梦想不只是一时的冲动!想想你三年级时写的梦想!那从来没因为各种因素而有所改变!

4:走出你熟悉的圈圈!如果你是一个内向的人,你可去尝试乱交派对!乱交是日文的词汇因为我们华人很有内涵,没有这种猥亵的词汇!当你走出乱交派对时,你会是个全然一新的人。如何参加这些派对你就别问我了,走出熟悉的圈圈, 自己研究吧!

5:谈场轰轰烈烈的恋爱!恋爱是滋养,是个让人健全的必要因素!不必在乎你是个毫无野心,毫无梦想,毫无好处的可怜人!也别管你能对他人付出什么!你所需 要的是诈骗与不诚实!诱导他人认为你除了精灵宝宝GO以外还有灿烂的人生!最坏的下场会是什么?破裂的家庭?不开心的人生?那些东西在现实生活中根本不存 在!



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