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I love perverted manga, no not boob in your face ecchi manga but manga that explores the perverse mind. It’s my favourite genre in all kind of media. Sono Sion’s filmography is my comfort food because it’s chocked full of the artistry of being a pervert, an outcast.

I seek fiction because my life is boring because I am boring. I am the perfect self-insert bland male lead – unassuming, generic, nothing spectacular and very very safe -. If you ask 20 people who I am, you will either receive 20 different answers or no answer at all. It’s either because I have no set personality and act differently among wildly different groups, or because I am inconspicuous due to being socially lazy. Part of it is by design because I am lazy, part of it is because I don’t know my real self but the bulk of it is playing it up to social norm. It’s only in fictional work – where things run rampant and my imagination boundless – can I find anything resemblances of a consistent self. The consistent reaction I got from a consistent genre of works shaped the self.

Perverse manga is so fascinating to me because it reflects a very interesting reality. We as a society in whole pretend to have decency but we all have degenerate thoughts inside, or at least I have. I will never admit to being a lazy degenerate who spends most of his day lazing around and jerking off because I want to uphold the correct image that is deemed fit for society. I don’t want to be seem as a hopeless bum.

Am I pretending to be decent? Pretending is probably not an appropriate term because you don’t pretend so consistently for 20+ years. You can’t put yourself through lies and deceits for your whole life. I also don’t think I am acting when I keep dark degenerate thoughts to myself and trying to portray a wholesome lifestyle. If I am lying, it will be torturous but it’s not because the wholesome potrayal of a somewhat upstanding individual is also my true self. However, it feels dirty because it seems like I am deliberately hiding part of my disgusting self with the knowledge that it will only jeopardize whatever I have if I am being too honest. Society is too dishonest and shallow, they focus too much on the indecency of everyone’s complicated self and tend to ignore that you are probably decent 90% of the time. That’s where perverse manga comes in.

Perverse manga such as Prison School runs wild and put degeneracy front and center. They make you question how the author came out with such perverse thoughts when they seem so unassuming on the outside. They are brave individuals that share their most wild and perverse imagination on paper and spread it across to millions of people. They are honest and sincere in this utterly dishonest society ,and I think that’s what struck a chord in everyone. There’s a reason why No Longer Human, a novel that detailed a troubled man who thinks he is putting on a facade to live up to everyone’s expectation, is the 2nd most popular novel in Japan – a very repressive society where everyone has politeness drilled into them regardless of who they are.

That being said, it’s not all true honesty. It’s boldness of honesty hiding behind the abstraction of make belief and that is exactly what is so enticing to me. It’s both honest and dishonest, which in return, perfectly encapsulates the underlying nature of society as a whole. Prison School portrays borderline criminality and degeneracy for laugh without actual repercussions because it can. However, these fantasies are as real as they can be, even though they aren’t acts that anyone could accept in real life. It’s this interplay between reality and imagination – things that you can imagine of doing but will never want to or ever do – that capture the exact formless and seemly indecisive nature of what I am as a person. They speak to me on a deeply personal level and that’s why I hold them with such high regards. It’s a release that can be secretly enjoyed in this highly repressive society. It’s having the cake and eat it too against normalcy while upholding normality.

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I started this blog when I was 16, almost 6 years ago. I thought I was smart whenever I posted something. Then I read back after 3 months, or even 3 years later and found them to be utterly embarrassing. It’s difficult to be smart or even coherent by the age of 16, or 17, or 18, or 19 or even 30 for that matter. Luckily, there are large amount of rubbish in here to obfuscate  the more outlandish rubbish.

So I thought to myself, how should I clear this shit up? Then I came to the conclusion that I shouldn’t give a fuck because if I do, it will mean that I am taking this too seriously.

In life, there are only a few things you should take seriously. One, your life, two, your responsibilities as a human being and three, other people’s life. I might miss out on ten other more important things in life but I am certain that opinions in anime, blog, games and other form of entertainment are few examples of things that you shouldn’t be too serious about.

Being too caught up on unquantifiable opinions that are all too common for media is unhealthy and judging a person by what they have written on the internet is a terrible practice because you are making too many assumptions from too little information. Light hearted ridicule as you may but never judge.

For example, if someone likes twilight, you might assume that he or she is dumb for not noticing the obvious flaws of the movie but in reality, he or she might just not give as much shit as you in movie. You might argue that they are intellectually lazy but aren’t we all with things that doesn’t seem important to us? I am sure food connoisseurs are utterly disappointed in the rubbish we consume and lament the laziness in our effort of finding good food when they are so obvious in their eyes. We are intellectually dumb to them because only stupid idiot put rubbish in their mouth when good food is just like right beside them.

With that say, I believe that everyone of enough importance or maturity would at least has this level of sensibility so I am not really worry about how people judged me by how or what I wrote on my shitty blog when I was(am?) stupid.

Of course, you can be enthusiastic but if you bring your passion so far that you feel anger and legit mental strains then you know you are in some deep shit.

But how do you know that you are in too far? For example, if you look at the giant bomb quick look of Ultra Street Fighter 4 and felt that they are doing the disservice to it by not promoting the intricate mechanics of the game and get angry enough to response to it, you might be insane.

Why? Because it’s not important. You are just feeling angry because you think that this “sub standard” review will harm the game you love so much and you have the duty to protect with all you got because isn’t protecting the shit you like the ultimate test of love?  Shonen manga( the ultimate barometer for the most important lesson you should learn in your life) teaches us that all the time but if you get out of the realm of shonen manga, you just sounds like a little shit that takes unimportant things too seriously.

However, don’t misconstrue what I just said. Anime, games or other form of entertainment can and do implicates on serious issue and I think that treating these implication with certain level of seriousness is commendable. Yet do suggest or expect that everyone to give a fuck about it might be a little too much. Regardless, what you should do in this instance is to share but not preach because you can’t convince those whose mind are set but you might interest those who are curious.

I think that I would regret this post right after 3, 2,1… …

and thus the endless cycle of pride-> self hatred-> regrets after posting something on the internet begins.

francois_langur

Francois’ Langur is a monkey with a Mohawk. They are cool. I like them.

Sometimes, I do ask myself, why do I blog? Is it because I have things that I thought are cool to say so I just indulge myself by writing them down while deluding myself that people would also think that what I wrote is cool? Or Is it because I want a discussion? Definitely the former and not the latter because I don’t actively seek out interaction with others. There are no discussions that can be derived from my post and I don’t want any of them.

I am a dull person, I don’t know how to response to a reply or make small talk. I am not interest to know how as well.

I don’t expect getting replies in the first place because sometimes I didn’t even put that much thought into what I wrote. So my reply would disappoint you. Do you want to be disappointed? How obvious should I make it that I am just writing a monologue to myself because I like doing that.

I used to read a lot of ‘discussion’ in the other blog. Hell, I even participated in some of them in this very blog. However it really begs the question whether these discussions are truly discussions because what I usually see are two different people, offering two different opinions while trying to one up the other to show who’s more accurate. Nothing really comse out of this because people would always stand by their opinion. They don’t want to be convinced and I don’t want to either.

Otherwise, it would be two people agreeing and both of you would go on masturbating one another because it makes you feel cool and it’s only polite to return handjob when people give you one.

Now, I do like comments because they are solid proof that people are reading your stuff but I don’t really care about them because I don’t expect comments. It’s like receiving chocolate for no reason. I don’t particularly like chocolate to actively seek them but it is a nice bonus if you offer them to me. I really do appreciate that you took the time to offer me some chocolate but I don’t really care if I don’t get any.

Same goes with comments that became ‘discussion’ but I don’t like this one as much because I need to offer you back some chocolate after receiving some. It’s troublesome and I am just repeating points I made anyway. I like it that you share your opinions, but I don’t like it that much to care. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate it but I just don’t care. It stills make me slightly happy but that happiness is so minor that it makes no difference whatsoever. Not to mention, if I want a different opinion, I would search them on google. I still appreciate your enthusiasm in wanting to share your opinion but it wouldn’t make a difference if you choose not to share.

Then there is also the case of you sending me expired chocolate with your vile comments. Now I don’t really mind them because I just threw them away like how I threw away expired chocolate but I still have to do the action of throwing away. It’s not difficult and I don’t feel anything from throwing shit away but needing to constantly do this simple yet unnecessary task can be tiring. Also sometimes, trashcan stinks but I only need to tolerate them for a few seconds and nothing of importance is lost.

With that said, I still rather not having to tolerate that smelly shit even though it’s painless and harmless fluff. Still, as harmless as they are, sometimes, these smelly shits just pile up and make things annoying. It’s all ok though if they don’t pile it up and to be frank, I don’t get many of these. It only happens like once a year but I only get like one comment per year anyway so I don’t really know what to make out of it.

I don’t like starting conversation. I think small talk is insincere and dishonest. They are unneeded and I am not interested.

People also don’t talk to me unless they need help. I also only talk with others when I need help. Just that I seldom have problems I can’t solve myself so I ended up not talking to anyone. I don’t know how people can make small talk. I don’t understand how people can have so much smses that they filled up their inbox. I am also not sure about the use of messenger because now I just open them to check emails and in-case people want to talk to me(this never happen).

I don’t usually @ twitter to others because I thought twitter is something for you to have a monologue with yourself. Same goes with facebook. I do comment on other’s facebook post when I thought of something witty to say or there are asking for something that I just happened to know. Otherwise I don’t comment. I also didn’t use the Facebook’s ‘like’ function once because I personally think that all of what people shared are mediocre. They don’t impress me and I don’t see the reason to like them because I honestly don’t.

As you can see, from the previous paragraph, in my mind, worthy interaction can only start if I want to impress someone, have funny things to say or helping people. I am not someone with any impressive records to showoff and I just assume my sense of humour is too weird for people to find it funny. It’s also not everyday that I can help someone so I don’t start any conversation.

I like to blog because it’s not a conversation. I am just indulging myself with my own monologue with no reason other than it felt fun having monologue. I understand that a conversation is the same and can be held without any reason other than indulging oneself but conversation would affect another person because you are wasting their time to indulge yourself. That’s very self centered and I am very self aware that I am boring so I know it’s not fun talking to me. It’s also not fun talking to them anyway.

Maybe blogging is like a pseudo conversation without direct contact. Maybe I blog because I can substitute the joy of conversation with others by conversing with myself. I think I am on this level of intelligence that I want to converse on something a little deeper but not too deep because I am not smart but I have no interest in whatever people are talking about. There are no profile like that other than myself so I just end up having monologue.

Blogging also act as a pseudo conversation because it’s out in the public and there’s a chance that people did read it. I like to tell everyone what I think but I don’t care about verbal feedback. It’s a one way thing.

I don’t know why it felt fun telling people what I think. Maybe it’s a ego thing. Maybe it’s because it felt awesome and magical that your thoughts can turn into words and became something concrete, something you can leave a mark on. Yes, that’s it!

But why is leaving a mark important? That’s a good question. I don’t know the answer. Maybe it’s about showing off your personality. Maybe because you think you are cool and people would like you if they think that you are cool. Maybe you want to showoff your inner thoughts to appear deeper so you can validate yourself. But people might not think you are cool and you are might not be able to validate yourself so why do it? Maybe this is what they called self indulgent, self pleasing and the reason why masturbation feels good even though it’s not the real thing. It’s something primal, primitive.

Now all of that just sound sad and lonely but not really, I don’t even know how lonely feels like and you don’t see me blog a lot, do you? In fact, I am so not lonely that I refuse to talk to others because sometimes I find it bothersome. A world without people is the best if I somehow can survive without the help of people producing food and all the entertainment shit operates and maintains themselves. That’s impossible so I do appreciate people, I just don’t like talking to them. I can choose to talk or not to talk to them though so it’s ok.

I also like blogging because you can tell others what you think without directly affecting others unless they want to. I am only wasting my own time here and I like wasting my time. Facebook and Twitter may serve the same purpose as blogging but people are following you there. They are forced to read your stuff because it’s on their timeline. This is why I don’t really like using them and always apologize off screen after posting my self indulgence shit there.

Blog is different because it doesn’t force itself onto others. Now, maybe they subscribed your blog on google reader and you are still pushing shit into other’s face but google reader is different because it’s easier to unsubscribe as no one would know you did. Facebook and twitter makes it very clear who unfriended or unfollow so I can see how it can be difficult not to put up with their shit because you want to be polite.

I am also not on an aggregator so there’s that. I think I spoke too fast because for some weird reason, I am on animeblogger.net. I think I did submit my feed when I first started out just for shit and giggles. Nothing happen for 1 year and I totally forgot about it then boom, I am on there and I can’t find any way to remove myself. Ahh, who cares, animeblogger.net is a dead town anyway. No one visit them anymore.
Edit: I totally forgot that comments can be constructive criticism… HA! What am I talking about. There are no constructive criticism in the comment section.

IWICSYI

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