I am an introvert. I hate being in situations where I will need to interact with another human being. I hate big parties. I have no idea why would people enjoy being together with a bunch of strangers just to celebrate their birthday.
I hate school. Not due to academic reasons, but social. It is clear that people approach the ‘elites’ so they can suck off them by copying homework, getting help with tutorials and tests. But are they friends? The lonely scholar considers them as friends, while the popular scholar sees them as ‘acquaintances-with-potential-benefits’.
To be honest, I have no idea what the above two paragraphs are supposed to be about.
As much as I hate interaction between humans, I am fortunate enough to have at least some friends. Frankly, I am surprised that I have friends… at least I deem them to be my friends and hopefully this friendship is mutual. Though I could count the number of people with both of my hands.
So what are friends? I do not know. But I do know I need them. I tend to feel negative and lonely easily, and I will always send random messages to my friends to save myself from the negative spiral of negative emotions I am always falling into. I am usually satisfied even with just a few sentences of conversation.
^wow I sound like some depressed fuck. Maybe I am, who knows.
Not sure if it is weird, but most of my friends are from my primary school days. The total number of friends I made since then could be counted with just a hand. And I think I will lose interaction with them sooner or later too.
And the amazing thing was that I had a girlfriend of four years. I have no idea how or why but she was willing to hang out with me. In the end we broke up, mainly due to me as I handled the conflict between her and my parents very poorly. I still regret it up to this day, thinking what would happen if I handled it differently every night.
After a few months, I then began to think, am I missing her, or am I missing the relationship? Would I forget about her if I were to enter another relationship? Or was it her that made the relationship special? I doubt I would ever know, for I doubt I would ever be able to have a fresh start once more, given my personality.
Then I thought about my friends. I am also amazed that I have friends, considering that I committed hideous acts to some of them in school. Are they my friends because they are them (as a person), or because of the interactions that we have? You can say that it is the person who does the acts, but the acts are also dependent on the person (No idea what this suppose to mean). And I think this is getting too philosophical.
But I am eternally grateful to my friends. I doubt anybody I know would read this anyway (other than the master of this page), but I thank them from the bottom of my heart. My actions may not reflect so, but I do appreciate being with them.
I suppose this is just a random rant by an incoherent drunk author with a poor command of the English language. Feel free to delete this post if you want to.