In order to understand the state of my mental health and how happy I am, you need to understand that writing is the valve I let loose when I am lost. The entire reason why I didn’t even post a single thing last year is because I am very contented with life. Of course, having a 8 to 6 job drastically cut down on my free time. Adding to that, having an active online presence that can be used against me is not beneficial in my line of field. However, I used my free time lazing around instead of writing because I have nothing I want to say. I still watch and read anime and manga but not a lot of them can squeeze out more than a few 280 words tweet from me. What can I say that haven’t been said already? More importantly, I don’t feel the need to satiate the void that I used to feel via writing.

My biggest fear in life -that thing that lingers on unassumingly- is the feeling that I will be lost once again, where the darkness and paralysis will strike when I least expected it.

This is why now I am recording these down, to remind myself how I got here and how for almost 2 years, I have lived with a sense of purpose without the plague of existential crisis lingering on my mind. It’s as if the past few years pre 2017 were a joke. However, I know that’s not a figment of my imagination, the sense of existential crisis was real and the reason why I am not proactive on somethings even now is due to the repurcussions of my lowest point. I want to avoid the risk of falling back into the hole again. The feeling of thinking I am a piece of shit still can’t be shaken off. The core has not changed, it just that I owned it more now with other external validations taming the feeling.

Anyway, Maquia, Dragon Ball Super Broly, Asobi Asobase are definitely the top anime I have seen this year. Alliance Alive, The Missing and The World Ends With You are the top contenders for game of the year.

Best movie I am still undecided because my input are a lot less than previous years.

Top manga that I completed in 2018 go to Kasane, Yondemasuyo Azazel, Machida no Sekai, I Sold My Life for Ten Thousand Yen per Year, Hengoku no Schwester and Prison School if the ending was not so disappointing.


I love writing. Even if I am not good with it, it doesn’t change the fact that it gave me a lot in my life.

I write when I an depressed, I write when I am happy and I write just because I felt like doing it. I think the reason why people are so against writing is due to the narssticic nature of writing. To put your writing out there implies that you think people are interested in what you had to say. It’s two times the embarrassment when you know that no one actually care what you say. Thus, it felt egregiously narssticic to persist on and continue writing. Which perfectly described the reason why large amount of blogs are forsaken out there.

It is embarrassing putting your half fucked grammar and spellings out there. I am always ashamed when people read what I wrote out loud. You wonder how they interpret it and I mostly ended up disappointed when you found out your articulation is not good enough to get your points across.However, you truly know that you love a thing when you persist on with no actual results in sight.

Results? What’s the motivation of writing? Is it to resonate? Probably but once you realized you are not cut for it, you give yourself reasons such as writing for your own pleasure. It’s self masturbatory and like masturbations, too much of it has an adverse effect. It kinda show how cowardly you are.

I always struggled with my self image. Am I too cowardly? Am I too indecisive? Am I antagozing anyone? I seldom get words of encouragement so I always think I am doing something bad. But I never got any words of discouragements as well so I guess no one really care? Do I want people to care? I don’t know, it felt very self centered to feel that way. Ultimately, humans are social creatures so I think I care but caring is on a spectrum and relatively speaking, I can see the benefits from both sides so I don’t think it matters.

Talking about caring, sometimes I hope people are more honest and tell me how they really percieve me.

Those who do, as much as I appreciate it, they can’t quite articulate why. Weird is the most common term they used but weird is all sort of vague. Is it good? Is it bad? How do you even gauge? I got most of what I want and doesnt get bog down by what I didn’t get so I guess it’s good? However, my ambition is all sort of vague too so maybe I should be less weird so more opportunities will be opened up?

One thing I really dislike is when people percieve my writings as entitled, passive agessive and whiny. No one actually say that but I felt it’s percieved as such. The evidence is contrary since I still do my jobs and put in 100% regardless of what I wrote or say. I don’t actually ask for anything when I do something because I start everything with the expectation that it will be bad.

I know passive aggressiveness, I have tons of passive agessive writings in the past but I really hate it since it felt so insincere. I don’t like insincerity, everything should be earnest. I want to be earnest so it’s kinda shitty when people don’t reciprocate the same earnestness.

I think I should be more laid back and don’t be so serious all the time. Maybe it’s the desire of wanting to be treated seriously.

I don’t know how to describe my feelings after reading Scum’s Wish. Is it captivating enough for me to binge read it within hours? Yes. Did I really like it? Not really. Did I hate it through? Not really.

Normally 8 is the number I give when I really like a work and 7 is for work with feelings described above, kinda not here or there but entertaining enough for me to finished it without feeling like a chore. However, a 7 work definitely doesn’t make me feel compel to write about it. Hell, even an 8,9 or 10 work does not compel me to do so. Thus, Scum’s Wish is truly an exception so 7 seems too low but I don’t like it enough to give an 8.

Of course, number rating is all arbitrary but I think it’s a good and tangible way to convey how complicated I felt when I feel the need to reflect my thoughts after finishing Scum’s Wish.

First, the characters are fantastical. What I am trying to say is that they don’t feel real even though the manga tried to lay on thick with primal sexuality that are deemed to be grounded. On one of the author’s note, she described the main theme for the story as “The beauty of otaku’s loneliness” and that’s exactly what it is. It’s just a pure unfiltered fantasy of what an otaku think is loneliness. It’s an exaggeration of real thoughts amplified by ten and it truly read like a fantasy contorted by a Fujioshi. Therefore, it felt very contrived but on one hand, it also has so much edge that it gave a sense of realism because the characters are all so “realistic”.

Realistic with quotation because it’s not true to life. It’s more like the characters are so materialistic and blunt, it gave a sense that they are real. However, it’s obvious they are not real because they don’t act like real people so it’s some exaggeration of realness. To give an analogy, it felt like a fetish hentai. With that, I mean the fetish is god damn true and real, people really imagine this like that but no one really act like the characters in these hentai. For example, thoughts of nurses really turn people on but scenarios in nurse porn are impossible and no one really want to realize them.

That’s why Scum’s Wish created so much dissonance because it’s so obviously fantastical while so successfully convey fragments of what people might think. That’s why it’s truly exceptional. I think this is what people get from Yuri and Yaoi works. Exaggeration of real thoughts, imaginations and struggles yet felt so unrealistic at the same time. It’s a fever dream and it’s kinda pleasant but you know that it’s too detached from reality that it will not create true resonance.

The difference between my feelings on Prison School and Scum’s Wish, even though they seem so similar, is because I understand the fantasy in Prison School but I have no clue or resonance for the fantasy presented in Scum’s WIsh.

I love perverted manga, no not boob in your face ecchi manga but manga that explores the perverse mind. It’s my favourite genre in all kind of media. Sono Sion’s filmography is my comfort food because it’s chocked full of the artistry of being a pervert, an outcast.

I seek fiction because my life is boring because I am boring. I am the perfect self-insert bland male lead – unassuming, generic, nothing spectacular and very very safe -. If you ask 20 people who I am, you will either receive 20 different answers or no answer at all. It’s either because I have no set personality and act differently among wildly different groups, or because I am inconspicuous due to being socially lazy. Part of it is by design because I am lazy, part of it is because I don’t know my real self but the bulk of it is playing it up to social norm. It’s only in fictional work – where things run rampant and my imagination boundless – can I find anything resemblances of a consistent self. The consistent reaction I got from a consistent genre of works shaped the self.

Perverse manga is so fascinating to me because it reflects a very interesting reality. We as a society in whole pretend to have decency but we all have degenerate thoughts inside, or at least I have. I will never admit to being a lazy degenerate who spends most of his day lazing around and jerking off because I want to uphold the correct image that is deemed fit for society. I don’t want to be seem as a hopeless bum.

Am I pretending to be decent? Pretending is probably not an appropriate term because you don’t pretend so consistently for 20+ years. You can’t put yourself through lies and deceits for your whole life. I also don’t think I am acting when I keep dark degenerate thoughts to myself and trying to portray a wholesome lifestyle. If I am lying, it will be torturous but it’s not because the wholesome potrayal of a somewhat upstanding individual is also my true self. However, it feels dirty because it seems like I am deliberately hiding part of my disgusting self with the knowledge that it will only jeopardize whatever I have if I am being too honest. Society is too dishonest and shallow, they focus too much on the indecency of everyone’s complicated self and tend to ignore that you are probably decent 90% of the time. That’s where perverse manga comes in.

Perverse manga such as Prison School runs wild and put degeneracy front and center. They make you question how the author came out with such perverse thoughts when they seem so unassuming on the outside. They are brave individuals that share their most wild and perverse imagination on paper and spread it across to millions of people. They are honest and sincere in this utterly dishonest society ,and I think that’s what struck a chord in everyone. There’s a reason why No Longer Human, a novel that detailed a troubled man who thinks he is putting on a facade to live up to everyone’s expectation, is the 2nd most popular novel in Japan – a very repressive society where everyone has politeness drilled into them regardless of who they are.

That being said, it’s not all true honesty. It’s boldness of honesty hiding behind the abstraction of make belief and that is exactly what is so enticing to me. It’s both honest and dishonest, which in return, perfectly encapsulates the underlying nature of society as a whole. Prison School portrays borderline criminality and degeneracy for laugh without actual repercussions because it can. However, these fantasies are as real as they can be, even though they aren’t acts that anyone could accept in real life. It’s this interplay between reality and imagination – things that you can imagine of doing but will never want to or ever do – that capture the exact formless and seemly indecisive nature of what I am as a person. They speak to me on a deeply personal level and that’s why I hold them with such high regards. It’s a release that can be secretly enjoyed in this highly repressive society. It’s having the cake and eat it too against normalcy while upholding normality.

Inception was a regular thriller pretending to be smart. Interstellar was a film with a smart background for a story that is rather simple and did not necessitate all that smart. It was pretty good.

However, the consultation and adhering to an expert physicist theory stuff felt more like an excuse than a focus to tell a simple story about a family bond. The family bond takes precedent of the science without exploring any fresh concept in terms of our relationship with physic. What does the film teach us about our human relationship with science? That gravity transcends time/space? That black hole has an event horizon? Those are more like plain information than story elements that make us implore our relationship with science. For example, Ghost in the Shell asks the definition of humanity and existence in light of full cybernetic surgeries while 2001 Space Odessey questioned the danger of AI and human morality in light of rationality. I will even argue that Lucy -even though it was an inferior film with its wonky terrible science- implored more interesting sci-fi ideas on how human won the evolution race with its ending 10 mins.

Interstellar can function without any of the accuracies. Strip them all out and replace them with magic. All it will lose is the “based on accurate physic” allure but you will still find the same regular film about family love, which is the biggest issue of the movie because there’s no great story for all that adhering to accurate science. If you don’t care(I care a bit) about the adhering to science aspect, it kinda is just a well done but not excellent movie. Good for science class, but just an all right narrative experience.

Gunbuster and Voice of a Distant Star also did similar time dilation stories so it’s not that fresh or unique of a concept, nothing mind blowing if you are a fan of sci-fi.

I don’t think Attack on Titan is good and I thought One Punch Man is one joke stretched too long and there will never be a satisfying development with that joke. What can they do beside coming out with new enemies and have things resolved with a punch? They tried with the character deconstruction approach and add in new element of jokes with characters like King but eh, it was all right.

The problem with Attack on Titan is I already played Muv Luv Alternative and it did Attack on Titan better in 2006. I also don’t think the mystery is that intriguing, a bunch of characters they didn’t developed much were the Titans that attack the city? Ok. There’s also a basement but the story didn’t lay out interesting clues so it can be anything. What can the ending be? Titans are the natural evolution of human so their purpose is to eradicates the lower tier obsolete humans? Titans are inhumane fucked up human experiments born from political struggles that went wrong so some of them are out for revenge? If I can come out with it then I am not impressed.

I might be impressed if it’s reveal that Titans are actually comedians and they ingest human because that’s the post modern form of comedy and it’s actually a decontruction of how the ultimate purpose in life is similar to getting eaten by Titan because there’s no real purpose in life. Otherwise it’s one huge joke contorted by a master comedian, playing and manipulating people’s life by transforming them into Titans because he thinks the ill of humanity is thinking too much and having too much sex. That’s why he wants to turn everyone into mindless dickless consuming machine because that’s how you reach utopia and it’s also a story arguing for eugenics. See how carefree and liberating these titans are? Be them and you can do the same! Dispose everyone that failed in turning into a Titan after being ingested! We must change the gene in a way that everyone became a Titan!

Alt right is just a radical group of free speech proponents. They use neo nazi symbols because nothing can be as terrible and offensive as Nazi. In their mind, if they can flaunt Nazi symbolisms, then free speech is alive and well. Whether they truly believe in Nazi value is besides the point. I personally believe they don’t because their activities are limited to the Internet most of the time. They live by the belief that nothing on the Internet is serious, don’t take it too seriously and it’s all for the lulz. This is why they can afford to say all the nasty shit. In fact, being able to say nasty shit emboldened their cause for free speech in their mind. That’s of course, only their perspective and whether it reflects reality or not is another question all together. For me personally, I think they are misguided.

Of course there are real nutjobs but most of them are just people who can’t string an eloquent argument for their lives so they could only follow a group that they know in their head what is in their heart. Too bad, not many can decipher what their intentions are, no thanks to the very real nutjobs that muddied the pool.

They are against PC culture because they think it’s a transgression against free speech. They also happened to believe that anyone who fight for justice online are fakers because they don’t think they do what they said. It’s part projection and part cynicism. That’s the reason why they supported Trump because he is seen as a proponent against PC culture. They can also ignore whatever rhetoric he said because they don’t really believe things people say. It’s kinda ironic that a proponent of free speech, the one who think free speech is powerful because words are powerful, don’t trust anything other people say. It’s an oxymoron of how words don’t matter but free speech matter because words matter and we need the freedom to discuss anything.

That’s their internalized reality. They live in their own bubble like almost every other group. They say nasty stuff because they didn’t realize not everyone takes it the same way they did. It’s however, very difficult for them to break their own bubble because they think they are the enlightened one. This enlightenment is highlighted by their rejection of mainstream media. It’s ironical that they have their own alternative media and they believe in it religiously like how they imagine all the “sheeple”that read mainstream news.

It’s very hard to convince someone who believe strongly that they are better than anyone. If you try to discuss with them, it just enforce their belief that they are better than you because in their mind, whatever you said are misguided liberal SJW shit. They also heard it a hundred times already and had since long made up their mind through misconstruing what “SJW” say.

So how do we deal with it? How do you reach out to someone who will misconstrued whatever you said as smug and SJW shills? By giving them some real actual experience for one. By introducing them to gays, face to face and dare them to shout fags in their face and see the real mental repercussion it has towards the lgbt group. I will admit that’s too cruel but it’s really hard to learn things you don’ believe in when you didn’t experience it yourself. So a better idea will probably be trusting that the alt right are just misguided people and introduce them to gays and Muslim and show them they are just actual normal human being like you and me. In other words, don’t engage them on the internet, they don’t take internet seriously, engage them in real life because they have no other way to escape the reality when it’s facing them in close proximity. I have no fucking idea to be honest. I think that everything I just strike through might be fucking stupid, irresponsible and dangerous. I am in no place to give any advice.

This is what I will do if I know I will die in a year. First, I will quit school and spend all my money on textbooks. Then I will rip them all out into scan-able pages and upload them in all kind of formats online on a torrent site hosted by me in some Sweden city.

After that, I will publicize what I did and let the authority catch me. During my trial, I won’t hire any lawyer. I will just shout statements like “Education is supposed to be affordable. Textbooks prices are too ridiculous! This is a clear case of class-ism! You disincentive the poor! I believe my action will help everyone around the world to get a better education because you can learn one whole semester worth of materials with just a good textbook! Fuck the textbook industry! I am dying in a few months so why should I care about your pathetic disgusting piece of price jacking business! Fuck you, fuck him, fuck her, fuck everyone!”.

Then I will burst into flame and angels will come down with trumpets, playing Ride of the Valkyries in the background. A flame sword will rise from my ashes and transform into a phoenix. I will then fly out of the court and burn down every textbook so only one of each is left and my phoenix power will instantaneously transform and upload these textbooks online into eBooks. People will remember this legacy as RISE OF THE PHOENIX, TEXTBOOK FOR EVERYONE, internet not included.

Either that or I will just live life peacefully for 1 year after I quit school.

Translation: some emo fuck rap/rhymes I wrote because fuck it, why not? It’s fun! I will probably look back in 10 years time and cringe to death but fuck it. That’s how I feel like nowadays. Just fuck it and throw every tiny little thought out there.
I have this pet theory on how the best storytellers are people with the dullest life story. It’s the desperate struggle to find some spice in their boring life that sparks these wonderful imaginative stories. I also think I am talking out of my ass because how can I even quantify that? It’s just a thing I tell myself and believed in based on some figments of my imagination.
Anyway, here’s my life story. I just stay at home all day, skipped as many classes as I can, and browse the net for the whole day. Time ticks by and hours had passed with nothing to show for. How can I possibly sustain a life like this? However, I am stuck in this rut because I am stuck with this education path, a path where I can’t possibly excel in yet is easy enough to maintain a B. In the end, I know it’s not enough because I learned jack shit. All I got out of it is knowing how to tackle exam questions without really understanding anything. Trying to further understand the material requires efforts and time that I am not willing to put into because I am not interested and my head hurts. Any ideas of taking up on any pet projects require fuck ton of time and effort that will lead my assignment deadlines astray. These deadlines also linger on my mind so I can’t pursue anything else with a peace of mind so what did I do? Nothing, I did nothing. I have always waited until the pressure reached the boiling point to psyche myself in giving the last ditch effort. So far it always worked out ok, but it’s a risk and the lingering thoughts of how it will definitely fail this time round is haunting.
I distract myself by reading tons and tons of things I am interested in. Histories, current affairs, stories, movies, science and whatever! However, those felt like a waste of time because I am procrastinating and I know I am not doing what I am supposed to. It’s just an easy excuse because they are intellectual things that are good to know. It all became futile endeavors though because I can only consume but not create. No matter how much I read up on totalitarian rulers, there are another mountains of materials to read up on. I can’t in good faith give any intelligent analysis on totalitarian because I didn’t do any rigor academia works on it. All I have is just 10 hours of half-baked readings and wasted time.
I also tried out different things, reaching out to every single thing I could think of in order to feel anything. However, all of them seem like a monumental task that will take too much time to conquer when I have this education obstacle in front of me pushing me back. It’s the fear of not being able to manage it this time round that incapacitated me to do other things. Critically thinking, I should set up a schedule but time passes so fast it’s scary. By the time I read up on stuff, it’s time to sleep again. It got worst now when I start spending time worrying about time passing so fast while I distract myself with bite-sized entertainment in youtube and forums. Before I realise, time had mercilessly passed and I did nothing of value again. Take writing this up for an instance. I took an hour to typed up all these bullshit and thus sacrificing all the time I could use for other meaningful things. Is typing up all these meaningful? No, but I already did it in order to satisfy the illusion of being productive. It’s a vicious cycle I can’t get out of and it’s slowly killing me inside.


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