This is what I will do if I know I will die in a year. First, I will quit school and spend all my money on textbooks. Then I will rip them all out into scan-able pages and upload them in all kind of formats online on a torrent site hosted by me in some Sweden city.

After that, I will publicize what I did and let the authority catch me. During my trial, I won’t hire any lawyer. I will just shout statements like “Education is supposed to be affordable. Textbooks prices are too ridiculous! This is a clear case of class-ism! You disincentive the poor! I believe my action will help everyone around the world to get a better education because you can learn one whole semester worth of materials with just a good textbook! Fuck the textbook industry! I am dying in a few months so why should I care about your pathetic disgusting piece of price jacking business! Fuck you, fuck him, fuck her, fuck everyone!”.

Then I will burst into flame and angels will come down with trumpets, playing Ride of the Valkyries in the background. A flame sword will rise from my ashes and transform into a phoenix. I will then fly out of the court and burn down every textbook so only one of each is left and my phoenix power will instantaneously transform and upload these textbooks online into eBooks. People will remember this legacy as RISE OF THE PHOENIX, TEXTBOOK FOR EVERYONE, internet not included.

Either that or I will just live life peacefully for 1 year after I quit school.

我一页一页的翻阅,
厚厚的词典,
寻找适当的词汇,
想表达我的领会。
 
困在这喘不透气的社会,
一步一步的体会,
用我半桶水的智慧,
闯出人生的光辉!
 
光辉带来壮烈,
裂痕不断出现,
系上厚厚的铁链,
恋上死亡的概念,
 
念念情人的书简,
简单的词言
绘出活下去的火焰
不断不断的席卷。
 
Translation: some emo fuck rap/rhymes I wrote because fuck it, why not? It’s fun! I will probably look back in 10 years time and cringe to death but fuck it. That’s how I feel like nowadays. Just fuck it and throw every tiny little thought out there.
I have this pet theory on how the best storytellers are people with the dullest life story. It’s the desperate struggle to find some spice in their boring life that sparks these wonderful imaginative stories. I also think I am talking out of my ass because how can I even quantify that? It’s just a thing I tell myself and believed in based on some figments of my imagination.
 
Anyway, here’s my life story. I just stay at home all day, skipped as many classes as I can, and browse the net for the whole day. Time ticks by and hours had passed with nothing to show for. How can I possibly sustain a life like this? However, I am stuck in this rut because I am stuck with this education path, a path where I can’t possibly excel in yet is easy enough to maintain a B. In the end, I know it’s not enough because I learned jack shit. All I got out of it is knowing how to tackle exam questions without really understanding anything. Trying to further understand the material requires efforts and time that I am not willing to put into because I am not interested and my head hurts. Any ideas of taking up on any pet projects require fuck ton of time and effort that will lead my assignment deadlines astray. These deadlines also linger on my mind so I can’t pursue anything else with a peace of mind so what did I do? Nothing, I did nothing. I have always waited until the pressure reached the boiling point to psyche myself in giving the last ditch effort. So far it always worked out ok, but it’s a risk and the lingering thoughts of how it will definitely fail this time round is haunting.
 
I distract myself by reading tons and tons of things I am interested in. Histories, current affairs, stories, movies, science and whatever! However, those felt like a waste of time because I am procrastinating and I know I am not doing what I am supposed to. It’s just an easy excuse because they are intellectual things that are good to know. It all became futile endeavors though because I can only consume but not create. No matter how much I read up on totalitarian rulers, there are another mountains of materials to read up on. I can’t in good faith give any intelligent analysis on totalitarian because I didn’t do any rigor academia works on it. All I have is just 10 hours of half-baked readings and wasted time.
 
I also tried out different things, reaching out to every single thing I could think of in order to feel anything. However, all of them seem like a monumental task that will take too much time to conquer when I have this education obstacle in front of me pushing me back. It’s the fear of not being able to manage it this time round that incapacitated me to do other things. Critically thinking, I should set up a schedule but time passes so fast it’s scary. By the time I read up on stuff, it’s time to sleep again. It got worst now when I start spending time worrying about time passing so fast while I distract myself with bite-sized entertainment in youtube and forums. Before I realise, time had mercilessly passed and I did nothing of value again. Take writing this up for an instance. I took an hour to typed up all these bullshit and thus sacrificing all the time I could use for other meaningful things. Is typing up all these meaningful? No, but I already did it in order to satisfy the illusion of being productive. It’s a vicious cycle I can’t get out of and it’s slowly killing me inside.

I don’t believe in gods but playing acting as one rubs me the wrong way. Domesticating wild life to be pets felt like playing god. If not, what are the rationales behind domesticating them anyway? It all boils down to vanity and wanting to be in control. It’s not a necessity to domesticate them so doing it is all selfish desire . If you want to conserve them, leave it to experts who understand their needs and have infrastructures to make sure they live life like they are supposed to. It’s really fucked up to control their behaviors and forced it to act the ways you want them to. Domesticating wild life is equivalent to eugenics where you kill of what make them wild and force it to play well with human surroundings. We did enough fucked up things with inbreeding dogs already, do we really need another?

It’s a conflicting thought for me because I have no issue with designer child or eating meat. It’s probably because designer child is a decision humans made with their free wills and meat is a necessity for social ecological purposes. Domesticating wild life on the other hand goes against the free will of animals and is an unnecessary endeavor. Unless there’s a necessity, it’s best to just leave it as it is. We already did enough harm, so can we stop now for our selfish desire?

Do nostalgia bait articles earn any money? Probably not, otherwise they won’t all be so shitty. However, this is not a nostalgia bait article because it’s an article about now! Very positive and life changing. My life changed when I read point number 3.

5 things you should do when you are 24:
1. Go crazy! Why not? You only live once. Don’t worry about responsibility, that’s old people shit.

2.Travel around the world and learn nothing! Just spend ten of thousands of dollars doing similar things you can do in your country! That’s very fiscally responsible, but hey, look at these amazing architectures! Take some pictures and act all introspective as if you gained any insights after the trip. You still don’t know what Aleppo is though but who cares? You saw buildings and think you got something out of it!

3. Follow your dream! Don’t worry about not having one! Just follow it! Ignore the statistic of how only the top few percentile has a dream and achieved it. Ignore about fitting a square peg in a round hole. Life is not about taking it step by step and exploring the unknown and settle for what’s best for you next. It’s about dreams you have that are totally well thought out and not a heat of the moment thing. You know what you want since the day you are born; even though you have zero plan on what to do tomorrow! Remember your essay of “What you want to be” in primary 3? That didn’t change at all with circumstances!

4.Step out of your comfort zone! If you are an introvert, take a bold step and do some crazy shit that is not totally for you! Like a orgy party! Go there and try it out! You totally will be a new person coming out. I don’t know how you should go about it though.

5. Fall in love! Love is the nourishment for everything, you can’t survive without it. Don’t worry about fucking the other party up with baggage like having 0 future plan, 0 ambition, 0 stability and 0 worthy things that you can contribute to for a relationship. Be selfish, deceit and be dishonest about how your life is not just pokemon go and nothing else. What harm can it do besides a broken family where no one is happy? That doesn’t happen in the real world!

REMEMBER PEOPLE! FOLLOW YOUR DREAM! YOU CAN DO IT! Don’t worry about how 3/4 of the world is kinda messed up and you have 0 idea about it.

 

Chinese translation:

那些博取怀旧之情的文章有收稿费吗?我想应该没有吧,如果有的活那为什么都是些虚有其表却毫无内容的文章呢?可是,以下却不是博取怀旧之情的文章,而是讲述当下的现实。虽然现实但却充满了热情与正能量!尤其是第三点让我对人生感官有焕然一新的一面!

五项一个24岁的年轻人该做的东西:
1:过一个疯逛的人生。无视任何责任!责任感已经落伍!那是只有老年人才乎的东西。

2:环游世界旅行!放任自己!你应该花费十几千元去外国做些你在国内也能做的东西!那是多么有计划性的理财!看!那魁梧的建筑,多让人感叹!我想这份感叹 能补助您内心的温池,让你能觉得你得到了一些深奥的见解。那是什么见解我们就不必深究,也别管什么内心的温池到底是什么意思,更别管你对现代社会毫无概 念!最中要的是你得到了一些建筑屋的照片,能让你觉得自己领悟到了一些什么。

3:追求梦想!别管你是个毫无野心毫无梦想的人!也别管自己到底适不适合因为人生就是梦!什么一步一脚印的探索未来,然后再慢慢取决最好的下一步!那些都 是毫无用武之地的废材所说的话。虽然那应该是大多数人的想法但大多数都是笨蛋!你却不是!你是特别的存在!为什么?别管为什么。你只需要追求梦想。当你出 生之时,你就理应抱有梦想。你的梦想不只是一时的冲动!想想你三年级时写的梦想!那从来没因为各种因素而有所改变!

4:走出你熟悉的圈圈!如果你是一个内向的人,你可去尝试乱交派对!乱交是日文的词汇因为我们华人很有内涵,没有这种猥亵的词汇!当你走出乱交派对时,你会是个全然一新的人。如何参加这些派对你就别问我了,走出熟悉的圈圈, 自己研究吧!

5:谈场轰轰烈烈的恋爱!恋爱是滋养,是个让人健全的必要因素!不必在乎你是个毫无野心,毫无梦想,毫无好处的可怜人!也别管你能对他人付出什么!你所需 要的是诈骗与不诚实!诱导他人认为你除了精灵宝宝GO以外还有灿烂的人生!最坏的下场会是什么?破裂的家庭?不开心的人生?那些东西在现实生活中根本不存 在!

记得!最重要的是开心人生!追求梦想!别管什么四分之三的人口都是活在一些水生火热的非现实。我相信你!你是能做到的!

I was not a fan of X Japan and have zero idea what they are besides being a metal band before walking into this. I came out wanting to know more about them because it succeeded in making Yoshiki a fascinating figure. It makes me think about the state of rock music, what’s like to struggle with death, uncertainty and the trials and tribulations people went through. It is a very good introductory documentary for those who have zero idea on X Japan. It offers cursory glance on their major milestones and events; enough to pique your interest but not enough to be served as an biography.

Its structure around the theme of deaths felt befitting of the history of X Japan. It started off with one, ended with another, and continue again before they had another. This story like structure flows naturally and befits the mythical and mystique nature of X Japan and what I feel like the essence and why people like the band. Yoshiki is basically portrayed as a 50 hears old super hero! Of course it’s all embellish and played out but it’s solemn, serious and flashy enough for you buy to into the fantasy.

Critics are critical on how it’s too fictionalize and doesn’t go in-depth in giving us the human sides but it’s the exact anime like portrayal in the narrative that makes me like it as much as I did. That portrayal however, makes critics feel like it plays up the whole marketing angle considering this film coincides with their latest album. I watched it in some indie film festival sponsored by local art school in a country where X Japan CDs are not readily available so I don’t get the marketing angle.

The 3rd paragraph onwards is some sort of story setting script I wrote in hope it could be used for my FYP project. If you wonder how I could fit a stupid story like this in a FYP project, please be reminded that I was that stupid kid who some how managed to shoehorn the ending of a stupid anime into my examination presentation about memories. Probably won’t work this time round because as much as I love that presentation, my score for it was abysmal. I won’t want to do it any other way but I do understand why that’s a pretty idiotic move. I doubt anyone is receptive to outlandish shit like these.
 
No one ever told me my out of left field crazy ideas were ever a good idea. Very discouraging to be honest, I always remember one of my fellow student told me I should rein it in because it’s will only jeopardize myself and it’s very true. My poly day was probably my most restrained period and it’s also my most successful period as a human being. It still destroyed me near the end though because I am tired of it and it was made worst when I realize that my true self in which I strongly believed in is probably very wrong. The soul crushing experience of realizing how the guy you always want to be is the very being the society deemed as selfish. I don’t know man, our society is not very conducive for outlandish ideas, especially outlandish ideas that are very useless monetarily. It’s better to just do it safe and be a normal person thinking about normal productive thing. Going around having crazy ideas just for shit and giggles is very irresponsible. Not giving any fuck and think you could take on the world and live for yourself is very naive.
 
I still slip in crazy stuff and constantly do what were deemed as unproductive shit out of spite anyway. It got so bad now my whole being is spite personified. It will imminently self destruct one day and at best, I will be a husk of a man and at worst, I probably died being remembered as a human scum.
 
“It’s the year 2106, full automation is in effect but the transition of of workforce to machine is still an ongoing process. Human labours are made obsolete, and large swath of averaged skilled workers were sacrificed after the advent of the first batch of tireless mechanical workers 50 years ago. The world population suffered mass existential crisis after seeing their life long effort being replaced with ease. The imbalanced yield from the production rates of these tireless machines, heavily bias towards the upper echelon, created a ever consuming vacuum within the wealth spectrum. Middle class is history, the average population couldn’t catch up with the speed of exponential progress, thus the once cog in a wheel turned into mere rust, hindering more than helping. However, promises were made, once the production rates were high enough, even the most poverty will reap benefits from trickle down effect.
 
Years passed and the promises held true, however, the self esteem of the average populations are in shambles. Productive work that anyone could manage with hardwork is no longer a concept so people recluse into their safe cocoon, only consuming and never producing. Jobs are only available for the top elites and even that is thinning out. A silver lining arises amidst this bleak landscape, in which humans start to realize what it meant to be a human. With such succinct and numerous comparisons with our mechanical companions, humanity was made obvious, and curiosity was the answer. Yes, curiosity was what left to satiate our self worth.
 
People started to conjure out their own mysteries and set on in solving them for leisure. It’s all irrelevant self satisfaction activities but that’s what differentiate us from robots, they are too optimized in productivity that extraneous activities such as these are their only incompetence. Self made conspiracy theories, the once abhorred activity seen as a stifle in progress is one of the few things left that motivates the creativity in people. The trick is anyone of any level of intelligence could participate in it. However, another group of people, 2 persons to be accurate, have another idea in mind, solving past mysteries that were made irrelevant but had once captivate the whole nation.Be it the real identity of Zodiac Killer, or the disappearance of Amelia Earhart, these two set out to solve any unsolved mysteries from centuries ago. What started as an innocuous journey with an assumption of futility, unravel one of the most heinous crime in human history. It all started in year 2020, inside a medical facility in China… …”
The heinous crime hinted at the end is the real life story of the head transplant surgery that the Italian mad surgeon wants to conduct on a Russian dude. It will be full of bullshit conspiracy theories like how the government will bury the truth of how the operation succeeded in fear of transgression against humanity because the breakthrough is unethical and the technological advancement in CRISPR, that sciency elixir of genetic engineering, which was advanced and used by the operation will redefine society as a whole and they are afraid of that. However, the government used the research of CRISPR with the data from the head transplant surgery to build the robot ai which will take over the workforce and rendered everyone useless later on. They want to keep it a secret because that will be like using human experiment data during the nazi regime to make some life changing good shit and society is not ready for that.
The following paragraphs are banal.
“Depression is not sadness. It’s almost not even a feeling because it felt like a void. It leans heavily towards apathy because you start wondering what’s the whole point in doing what you are doing thus rendering you incapacitated.
 
The scary thing is you can’t talk people out of it because they already did everything they could, often with more fervor than you suggest to no avail. The feeling of worthlessness is deafening as it’s very easy to fulfill self prophecies. It’s not difficult to find how insignificant you are in the grand scheme of thing. One look at the news and you see thousands in death count. You often wonder what differentiate you from them and there’s no justification on why they are just a statistical number and you are not. It has high doses of self loathe so compassion doesn’t work because you don’t think you deserve it. Everything looks bleak with no light at the end of the tunnel.
 
The triggers are always random, you have no idea what started this downward spiral because it’s most likely the accumulation of lots of thing. The problem has too many roots you can’t potential severed them all. There’s nothing you can do beside letting time passes by looking at the hopelessness of it all.”

“The worst question one could ask oneself is “are you happy?” Nothing good will ever come out from that. You will always end up finding yourself knee deep in a rabbit hole with no conclusion. Even if you had moments of happiness, you realize they are feeble and temporary, just a moment of relief before they disappear and you end up wondering if they were real in the first place.

I don’t think I will ever attend my own graduation ceremony. Resorting to a life of soul sucking depressing job for the rest of my life next is probably not an occasion worth celebrating. Probably will feel like killing myself every June because there won’t be anymore month long holidays. Getting found out I have learned nothing useful after years of education and a depressing future of seeing robots taking over my job is everything I see.

Worst of all, there’s no scapegoat to blame, you fully understand the whole problem lies on you, and you are the only person you can blame. Why don’t you have any ambition? Why are you so irresponsible? If everyone thinks like you, our whole society will collapse. Your parents didn’t spend thousands of dollars hoping to see you become a degenerate.

There’s nothing you can do so one day, you decided you had enough. You tried to erase your ties with everyone and thin your existence so no one will be affected when you are gone. That’s the day where you pick up your backpack and travel to somewhere no one could find you. You then turned on your phone and found a Pikachu on Pokemon Go and realize your phone is out of batt. You then return home and charge it before returning to the same place to catch the Pikachu. After that, you got tired and went home to sleep. You forgot about every thing the next day because hey, you got a Pikachu!” ~ Pokémon Go, life saviour for degenerates. Save Pokémon Go, Save People. A PSA to stop the monitoring of Pokémon Go.

I don’t feel anger that often. I can count my anger episodes in 1 hand. Sure, I have many episodes of pissed off but those are just minor annoyances and go away after 3 seconds. They are more of a gut reaction than actual anger.

Today reminds me how anger felt like. Anger is not gut reaction, it comes from something tangible. It’s a problem that do no go away after 5 seconds because it’s an issue you feel strongly about and you can’t solve it. Your body is shaking and things go through your head because you try to rationalize why the other party did what he/she did but it makes no sense because what they did is truly stupid and unknowingly affect others in unimaginable ways. The rationale is always ignorance so you know they don’t have any bad intention but the shit they did is so bad that intent doesn’t matter. The ignorance just make it worst because they have zero idea why they are in the wrong and no one can convince them otherwise.

Anger stems from irreparable damage, you are angry because shit is already fucked and you can’t do a single shit about it. The hopelessness is deafening and you tried everything but it won’t go away.  That’s legit anger. It’s probably a good emotion to have because it’s a reminder that there are shit that are irreparable and instead of being apathetic, you try to attack it aggressively.  Of course, it might all be futile aggressiveness but at least you tried to solve it and who knows, things might not be a irreparable as you thought.

With this episode, now I understand protestors and have a deeper appreciation of successful protests. I won’t go into the detail on what I am angry about but it’s related to how a team mate did something unnecessary and jeopardize the whole social balance and mood of the team. Now all the team mates probably hate him and he doesn’t seem to notice it.

IWICSYI

  • It's based on how competent you think people are. I looked around and I lost hope everytime I believe in the competency of people. 2 hours ago
  • These are the same people who lament why everyone is so stupid and incompetent and how they shouldn't even be here. 2 hours ago
  • The only thing people are banking on is robots will always be stupid an us humans will win and be smarter. 2 hours ago
  • If you believe in a utopia where people who want to work works and those who don't do other stuff, money as a concept becomes obsolete. 3 hours ago
  • I don't know how to explain my crazy radical idea to agents selling plans like these without feeling like a conspiracy dipshit though. 3 hours ago

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