活着有什么意义？
活着是尽量满足欲望吗？
或是祈求舒适的生活？
还是更远大的理想呢？
我在这问题的漩涡中迷惑了许久。
在不同的人生阶段中有不同的答案。但是都不是能说服我自己的答案。最近能让我有所启发的就也只有佛教的教诲，因为轮回的业障戳中了核芯的问题。涅槃为达到了永生脱离烦恼与苦海的境界，而我现阶段的答案都达不到永恒，所以才会挣扎。但永恒是个难题，因为不管什么道路都很迷惘。我害怕误入歧途， 导致我无法回头从来或落后一大截。
贫穷时会想需要金钱，有了金钱后就害怕自己荒废了潜能。想踏出一步却担心选择错误。未知很可怕，周围的例子和人生经验让我了解到错误的选择是存在的。看得太清的人往往都会比较悲观，因为在我们的眼中，未知的道路坎坷得很明显。 我们也很清楚自己的无能与无力。要走的路根本就毫无计划与对策，因此就会选择别人铺好的路。好找个稳定的道路因为那比较容易。因为偏偏有铺好的路不走，选择偏离的轨道会感觉很不负责任，愚蠢， 失败后后悔。
但走铺好的路很难满足自己。我也不明白为什么。可能我对自由的欲望太过旺盛，铺好的道路有太多我无法控制的累赘。就因为是别人铺好的路所以就得跟随，活在社会上就必须跟着社会的套路执行人生。执行后，虽然能得到安稳，金钱，名誉，或是社会的认可，但那感觉很不真实。因为核芯没自我， 就只像是个傀儡在行尸走肉。
金钱又这么了？ 名誉不就是虚荣心吗？社会的认可是真实的吗，又有谁真的在算这笔账呢？如果这些如此的重要，为何我就没法全心全力的付出后得到满足与原动力呢？ 是因为自私吗？或就是能力有限，是我智力的极限呢？ 那这空壳的感觉是自尊作祟吗？如果不是的话，有人能对我确信的说我真的尽力了吗？
那感觉就不可能是我的全力，但我精力却一直在消耗，疲倦无止境的蔓延。我跟本就无力关心却也无力说服自己这能有个完美的结局。
但这很难脱离。我也不知道是自己在骗自己或这只是社会设下了的圈套，但走了稳定的道路后换来的资源就感觉走错了路也还能回生。但资本社会的罗网神通广大，它会让你有幻想能解脱，却又会不断延伸出新的规则让你胆怯。房租，物价，和暂时性的舒适和诱惑会不断的然你感觉不够，让你觉得必需继续的索取资本。要不然你可能会错失你“应有”的,或是落后你该到达的里程碑。而最简单的索取方式就是继续乖乖的走着铺好的路。
举个例子，来回上班的交通很费力，所以就会想要汽车来弥补。有了汽车也会换来了一定的社会地位和载程他人的贡献。但汽车会让你失去恰好的资金，捆住你继续走上这稳定的道路。走着走着，它会继续用社会的期望，模糊的责任感压迫你前进。而让你延后脱离这条道路的理由会像这样不断的衍生。到头来，这么做的意义也很不明。到底是自己给自己的约束，或是社会上暗中的操作就越来越迷糊。
这导致我现在模棱两可的形态，感觉有脱离的可能性却没有脱离的确定性。但庆幸的是我有确定性的目标，但现在缺少的就只是耐性和打消耗战的精力。我希望这故事会有意外性的发展。就让这篇文章作为踏上第一步的起点，也成为我往后能看回的里程碑。
老实说，我了解预料外的事情很容易的会打翻一切， 也完全没有人可望或在乎我有任何意外性的发展。所以哪怕任何挫折都会让我认命。因为认命反而更容易得到社会上的认可。所以我才必须写这篇文章，因为说了这么多，我也没法轻易下台。
Prostitution is a taboo topic only to people who aren’t in the know. It’s a Venn diagram without any intersection because to be in the know and create any familiarity with it, you need to first not pass any moral judgement on it. But if you are no familiar with it, it’s such a complex area of grey that it is almost impossible to decipher and make sense of without engaging in it in any form.
That say, if you ever have any touch point with anyone in the business or even understand the psyche of the consumers, it becomes a very interesting topic on human anthropology and a topic of fascination that should generate interesting discussion.
It’s such a fascinating topic precisely because it touches on the most primal part of humans – sex drive and the chemical high from intimacy and somehow commodise it without breaking the kayfabe. There is a level of genuinity even if it’s transactional. Kinda like a genuine artistic movie about consumerism while asking for a 15 dollars ticket price. It’s not as contradictory as it sounds and we find cases like these everywhere because that’s how the system sustains and things aren’t that black and white.
Are there lots of shady shit and exploitation happening? Yes. However, is the trade only that? Definitely not, especially when the exploitation and shady shit happened due to it being a topic people avoid because sex is deemed more than what it actually is.
But before we get in all that, we should deep dive on what’s the act of sex? People tie in a lot of baggage with it. It’s a physical symbolism of love, trust and affection. It also looks asethically grotesque as hell using the same regions that you defecate/urinate with so it can be perceived as being dirty. The latter is probably what caused the visceral reflex and how it ties so heavily to the former because it’s just not something you don’t do freely with anyone. Finally, it’s a means of reproduction so it’s indeed of importance and more than just simple pleasures.Thus these assigned values are very real; and you really do need some level of affection, emotions and impulse to “trick” your brain to reach orgasm so the value has basis and truth.
That’s why it makes logical sense and why people are so avoidant when the topic of commodisation of sex arises because it breaks some of the assign value while being asethically grosteque.
However, what about masturbation then? There exist people who find it shameful for the exact same reason! There’s no love involved, it breaks the sanctity of reproduction and it’s “dirty”. But it’s an act that’s also deemed as healthy and necessary for the purpose of self exploration and relief without the doubt of unwilling parties(though the method of doing it involving porn opens up the can of the worm of willingness). It also feels pretty good and people want to feel good so it’s hard to resist and argue against wanting to feel good. Prostitution is exactly just like an act of masturbation with the help of another person! Sometimes with the illusion that comes with the assigned value of sex to make it feel even better. And with prevention, the harm caused is minimal and the psychological barrier can be easily waved off like masturbation.
It is also transactional and both parties gained from it. So if you ask a customer whether they feel morally wrong? Or if the service provider think anything about it more than it being a physical laborious job? The answer is almost no and any of the psychological barrier is negligible.
That’s why it’s so prevalent because fundamentally people don’t think it’s that big of a deal even though it’s criminalized. If it’s so morally repulsive and causes a utility penalty in social fabrics, laws won’t be so lax and performative about it and participants will be penalized more. The most sinister part of human and underaged trafficking are punished heavily but everything else is sort of a slap on the wrist.
I believe society has a very effective moral judgment system and is very capable in identifying real disruptive acts. For example, you don’t see people going around murdering people because there is a line in the moral code and it’s highly disruptive. On the other hand, not declaring goods over $400 to custom? Almost everyone even your law abiding citizen does it.
You only need to experience it once or know people in and participate in the trade to get that conclusion. Service providers see it as a job. Some might argue no one will ever do it if they are not desperate or have the choice. Which is somewhat true just like I doubt draftees want to serve the army or hard laborers are willing to do hard labor if they have the choice. So that argument is very weak and it’s not even that true thus my “somewhat” qualifier. If I have the assets and stamina to do it and can earn very good living off it, I will sign up for it too. I assure you there are a lot of people like me who will do the same. You just need to talk to them to realize it. It’s as simple as doing it because it has the best effort/knowledge to money ratio and they treat it as helping others masturbate. Their concern is more how to make their job easier by learning how to make it quicker than any morality issue. Mental health wise, it’s up to how the person frame and internalize it, just like every other jobs.
However, one thorny issue that I can’t reconcile since it’s quite obvious that it is happening more than I am comfortable with is the issue of debt bondage. They are trapped and coerced into this line.
You definitely heard of stories of how Japanese host club trapped paying customers with huge debt and coerced them into soapland. It’s a real pipeline concorted by actual evil people. On one hand, you can argue that they got themselves into it and are accountable, but on the other hand, it’s an insidious love scam.
The one silver lining – if you can even call it that – is the debt will realistically end one day and that one day is when they are no longer valuable as a sex worker or they actually paid it all off. And once they start doing the work and when the customers are respectful – which the majority actually are – it’s way less taxing than a lot of other laborious work. It’s relatively easy money in comparison.
Singapore has a very unique political system. It’s dominated by one party, but it has relatively open and fair elections every 5 years. Most political systems with one party rule does not have elections. Japan’s LDP is probably the closest thing in spirit, even with a wildly differing political structure.
One contention of fair election is always the dirty politicking at play. However, I will argue that the only authoritarian like suppressions that definitely crossed the line happened in the 60s, and it’s through the will of Lee Kuan Yew. In retrospect, the end justified the means, and we would fortunate that his intentions were uprights and his dedication of service was pure. He was also brilliant. For an anime analogy, he is Reinhard von Lohengramm in LoGH if he got voted in with an election.
However, his actions and thought process left too much of a mark to the ruling party and so a lot of politicking and ligation techniques are sticky. However, it makes a lot of sense. The opposition after PAP came into rulings were mostly subpar because PAP had the resources to capitalise all the talents so it’s a technique to barred these subpar people in.
The incompetence shown by the oppositions was worrying, and the probability of letting in these clowns definitely will impact something, be it parliamentary efficiency or riling up unnecessary frustration of needing to deal with them. At best, they are like the pesky colleague in a meeting who need to give their 2cent in every single thing and drag, and before you know, a 15mins meeting turned into 5 hours of tine wasting. At worst, it introduces and normalizes dangerous populist ideas.
It’s not until in the past few GE that oppositions were at least credible enough to gain more grounds. But the inertia from past experiences by the ruling parties were too high and dangerous rouge candidate( Chee Soon Juan in particular) with terrible track records are still gaining cadence. The ruling party probably also think the parliamentary records and proposals by the oppositions are not up to standard even till this day. Thus, the feeling of the necessity of them and the time wasted dealing with their antics are probably buried in their inner thoughts. That’s the uncensored meaning of “weakening” the government. Are they right in their assessments? Hard to tell.
Politicking is the dirty game every politicians play. It’s part and parcel, and everyone is trying to gain the most advantages to get it over with using the least effort so they continue with their core work. That’s with the assumptions where the intentions are pure. That’s why knowing the intentions behind all these politicking are paramount. If the intentions are pure, play on. And that’s why it’s important to be critical in how much you weigh these politicking.
To me, I know the game and harping on how the games are played is pointless, especially when oppositions were still able to gain ground. It is more important pre 2011, but I don’t think it’s productive to make that the focus of your whole campaign, which too many people do. It neglects the pressing issues of who can bring forward the best policies. To be honest, I have seen through multiple GE and since I started actually understanding politics, all the GE are mainly mudslinging and politicking, lots of riling up emotions and less of actual telling people what are they gonna do.
I think the issue is due to the audience emotional responses. If you talk policy, people already have their grievances, and the loudest one will drown you out by telling you how they are not convinced. It might even make them angrier because they think you are not listening to them.
The ultimate gut punch is most people aren’t even objective enough to detach themselves emotionally and look at thing holistically. Thus, emotional rile up and mudslinging is the way to go to gain the most advantages. That’s how it always devolve into nonsense. Even talk of policies have tinge of playing down the other sides.
The pressing issue we currently face is definitely Donald Trump, his tariff and the whole domino effect of forcing people’s hands to choose their alliance between China and USA. Singapore is too tied up in the global markets. A huge part of our employment markets are MNC and facilitating global trades and services are basically our leading differentiator.
USA and China are the biggest players in the trade business, and with the current tariff, it essentially rendering halting of trades between them. Usa import something like 400billion from China, how the hell can China recover these 400billion from? And what will happen to USA companies that produce with these 400billion dollars worth of trades? I don’t even want to untangle it, but I don’t know how the repercussions of these won’t result in a fucking disaster.
But what did we got out from all the rallies regarding USA tariff? The only pertaining focus is on the role and politicking of putting DPM Gan in punggol. Here’s my take. He is already talking to his USA counterpart, he is deemed as the best candidate for the job due to his relationship with his counterpart. So will voting him out impact anything? Definitely yes since he can’t negotiate with the garvitas and resources as a trade minister. Is he indispensable then? No, but the short term impact will definitely be felt, and is that worth what even; some vague talk about hope and dream and future that were rarely talked about because it’s drowned out by this nonsense from both sides? So is that even the right question to ask? I don’t think so.
So why risk it if he is so important? In politics, every decision made has a tradeoff. With 0 hypotechtical ascribion, here’s my theory of how Lawrence Wong sees it based plainly of what he said about it.
Teo Chee Hean stepped down from Punggol and in need of a replacement so who will be the best candidate? Heavyweight to heavyweight replacement to be fair to the residents and having an anchor minister. He probably think replacing SM Teo with a no name is not a better trade-off and that’s the best move to secure a win. So why move DPM Gan there? To win. Why not other heavyweight? Because the same attacks can be launched and it makes 0 difference.
He was also probably confident enough to secure the win and didn’t expect such a backlash. If it worked, it would be brilliant, if not, it’s a gamble, but he thought it’s worth it to halt WP gaining ground and encroaching the whole of NE. So a long-term play is in effect too.
And is PAP so weak that losing a few ministers will weaken them so much they can’t find a replacement? That’s the wrong question to ask because the answer is no,but the more pressing issue is losing good people and whether is it worth it. Great talents who are willing to step up are rare. Ministers are double hatting everywhere, so if your question is, “does PAP have enough talent to fill up the roles?” then the answer is definitely not because if they do, double and triple hatting would not be a thing. So the question to ask is, if it’s worth it to lose good people that are already doing their jobs stellarly when there’s a shortage of talents. And what can you do to step up and fill up this reality of talent shortage?
So that’s the answer, and is it enough to satiate anyone? I doubt it. And what do we gain from all these? That politicians do politicking, a thing that to me doesn’t weigh much in the grand scheme of things because everyone is playing it and have the chance to stack the cards in their favour, which they will.
I used to think the transitioning to AI and robots in the workplace would be a bloodbath, but that’s before I started working and realised how farcical and expendable it could be (cue covid and essential workers). Labour is such an interesting subject because we as humans are so used to treating it as validations and our purpose in life. That’s probably due to how contributing to society and appearing to be useful secured our survivability since the dawn of civilization. That’s why we could never imagine a world where all that changed.
Maybe I am speaking from a place of privilege, but I think I am smart and competent enough that if an AI can replace me, it will probably signify the end of labour as we imagined. In other words, the bar will be too high for anyone to be gainfully employed. Work in that case will revert to what it meant to be – the purest form of productivity and the bygone of bullshit tedious work. In that case, the whole farcical nature of bullshit jobs and politicking will be gone. That’s the first good thing in my mind.
I am able to be so secure because adaptability is my strong suit. If that’s not enough, then nothing will be enough, and you will start questioning what’s even the purpose of it all? That’s what I am excited about! Maybe with the end of labour, consumerism and materialism will take on a new form, and we can really start thinking and explore beyond that vapidness. It will break societal norms and we will all start to think of the next step. That’s very exciting to me.
Comformity, childbearing, labour, statuses, materialism, and wealth will all require a revisit once the elites get replaced by machines. I have enough faith in humanity that we will figure it all out. If not, a revolution will be way cool, too.
1.
I am not very smart, but I have the ability to analyse large quantities of information and organise them in a manner that makes them useful. Surface level enough to do something with it but not indepth enough to create something out of nothing from scratch, which is my definition of true smartness. It helped that I have very good memories and can remember tiny details better, probably thanks to the surface level understanding of things. That’s why I can’t remember names well since that’s pure rote memroization unless there’s a meaning or story behind the name where I can “understand”.
2.
I care a lot. Memory is mostly caring about things. If you care, it will get committed somehow. That’s why I am very good at recalling what people had said or done since I care about what others people say. But you see, my good memory is all because of my surface level understanding of things, and if I misinterpreted it at that instance, faulty memory arises because my understanding was inaccurate in the first place.
3.
High level of self-awareness and introspections. Everything starts from me. Bad things happened? Me, people disliking me? Me. I don’t think I deserve much in life because I didn’t work hard and jerk off a little too much. It’s obvious to me why and how I got to where I am. A lot of luck is involved, too, so I am rather grateful about things, but I don’t think the spirit of things of how I derived to where I am currently am is proper and healthy.
4.
Blunt and speak my mind. I think because of the amount of books I read, I have a very high level of emphaty. But it tends to lead to overthinking because people are not as indepth as they can be due to circumstances. A lot of people have zero idea what they want in anything at all yet they can’t bring themselves to admit it. I don’t know is a thing that I say a lot and it irks people sometimes but I think you should have doubts in life because the world is complex and it’s my way to stay curious. I don’t stop with I don’t know, I spend time trying to understand but sometimes I really don’t know what to eat because it doesn’t matter, I just need substanance.
The amount of jerking off I did in my life and my playtime in DOAXVV might say otherwise, but I think I am an asexual because it seeps out of my being. No one ever shipped me with anyone. Ok, maybe once now I think of it, but sometimes a glitch in matrix does happen.
No one even asked about my relationship status because it’s obvious, and I think it’s obvious because I show zero interest in it. Even if they asked, there are no follow up questions because again, it’s obvious why. I always say I am like Sephiroth, in which no one ever think about his relationship status or whether did he ever fuck because you kinda just know the answer and he had so much happening and baggages in his life/personality that stuff like that is the last thing you have in mind when you think of Sephiroth. I am not handsome like Sephiroth, so it might not be the most apt comparison but the energy and vibe barring the appearance are almost similar.
I once made a comment to correct the misconception about mixed hostel and how it’s quite common overseas and said I have once stayed with 3 korean girls in Switzerland for one night in a 4 people dorm room. Someone tried to stir but got shut down very quickly by others, saying it’s not in my bone to think of anything sexual about that occurrence. Which is very true anyway. That’s just one out of many examples.
I never imagine getting into anyone’s pants. The thoughts of having sex is fucking weird anyway and I can never imagine myself in that situation if it’s not transactional. That might explain why no one is physically attracted to me as well since they are just reciprocating my energy.
You see, I think I have all the makeup, experience, and attributes to go all in incel mode, but I didn’t because I have this skill called looking inwards and self-loathing.
I am also gifted with enough intelligence and social skills to do something in life and make deep friendships. However, I was a lonely child. Zero presence in the micro society of school. Most people don’t care, and teachers don’t even know I existed, and aside from a few good friends, no one was ever interested in my life. Children are quite cruel in that sense because their emotional intelligence are not very mature yet. I often got neglected for class cohesion and being the last few to get picked up. Stuff like that. It felt terrible back then, but it kind of built up my expectations, and I assume that’s the norm.
I often wondered if my depression episode had to do with loneliness. But I know abject loneliness and have seen it before since I hang out with the outcasted circle so much. Even though I don’t think people care deeply about me, they still give some effort to entertain me. So I always don’t think it’s loneliness because I enjoy solitude.
It’s definitely caused my low self-esteem since I got no validation. I got neglected and forgotten so much until I was 16 or so and have a good friends circle, but things already are deeply rooted. I think self-esteem has to do with your external factor a lot, and I suddenly got enlightened enough due to recent events, all external stimulants, to start building it back up. It comes at a good time because low self-esteem makes you introspect a lot. It’s part of why I look inwards and self loath, and the whole reason why I am not an incel is because incel actually expect something while I have 0 expectations even if I put in work and effort.
I give without expecting reciprocation, and the fact that it didn’t bother me as much as it should when I really receive a lot lesser or nothing at all makes me an objectively good person. So constant rejections are just more evidence that that’s true.
The only real change is how I realised it’s not my fault at all because the other party botched it so bad by choosing to ghost for 1 whole week. We are at that stage where you shouldn’t do things like that, and we have promised each others truthful conversations, and I did my part to fufill that promise, yet she did what she did. I really should thank her because it suddenly makes me learn so much about myself. It’s still a terrible thing to do because this time round, when I look inwards, I just find zero evidence to even support the case I am in any fault no matter how self-loathing I am.
With that framing in mind, I realised all my failures in romantic situations aren’t my fault at all. Most of them are just incompatibility and I often have intention and, in fact, will compromise in that situation to see things through. It also helps that 9/10 times is the other party aren’t willing to do that! They are faultless also since incompatibility is probably too huge of a gulf, and not everyone is as free as me to make commitments. But I definitely look better in that situation no matter how you disect it. At least it shows I am way more open-minded, earnest, and put in way more effort. It helped that I genuinely want to turn them all into legit friendship and am willing to put time and effort. The fact that I remember what they say probably says a lot, but that might just be because I have excellent memory, another gift I have. So it’s safe to say the ball is always on their court and stayed there.
I am also convinced I am asexual and that probably helps a lot since horny anger is not a thing I have ever experienced. I also genuinely think that often caused people to think I am detached and show disinterest, and there will be zero chemistry between us since sexual attraction is probably a key ingredient for spark.
I can’t put it quite elegantly and, thus, still have that lingering thoughts that people will misconstrue it as passive-aggressiveness or faking it. However, I really learned a lot about myself. All I did was reframing my thinking and start looking at myself in a very objective lens. I stated in my last post how people should really see themselves as a character in a story they are watching. How would that feel like? Is it annoyance because of how pathetic he is, or is it something you see in stories that touched you deeply?
Detached all ideas that you are looking at yourself, as impossible as that can be, and honestly, look at it. Is he a likeable sympathetic character? If not, why? How and what can he do to redeem himself? Is he really that loathing and terrible?
It’s definitely difficult to do that, but the first step is to really be brutally honest and be as genuine as you can be. I had it easy because I am really non judgemental due to the crazy amount of abyss I have been staring at; and realising the world I want to be in, which has no judgement till your actions speak otherwise.
Another gift is that I am very logical and well read, so I have perspectives and can make very fair and sensible conclusions. If there’s any bias, it will lean to being more positive than animosity. It’s true that reading fiction makes you more emphatic, and you can see why someone acts the way they act, thus the bias.
I looked at my own character, and I came to a conclusion. He is great. That’s why even with all the flaws and warts, even knowing how some of it can jeopardise what common consensus deem as a better life, I refused to budge on certain traits.
Trait number 1, doubts that result in low self-esteem. That’s a strong weapon because you know when you make an assessment and choose to take action, especially if it is equipped with truthfulness, you know you are doing it for all the right reasons and if things go haywire then that’s that because you already tried your best. And I am seldom passive on causes I care. I am so biased of actions outside looking in. People think I am indecive when, in fact, I just speed run the trial and error parts, so it’s looking like I change my mind every second.
Trait number 2. Having ideas that seem like a contradiction because of the actions I took. I don’t care about luxury, but I have multiple luxurious watches and apparels. People think that’s a contradiction, but I think it’s precisely because I have them and how contented I am with it that I know how much I can live without them.
I do infact lend out expensive watches to people and am eager to do so. I have since realised how uncommon that is, but someone actually knew I would willingly lend out with zero qualms so they felt comfortable to ask in the first place. It’s quite obvious because I wear and utilise them like they cost $5. I don’t particularly take care of them very well.
We had this old saying about how you will cherish stuff you bought with your hard earned money. I subscribed to that, but I don’t think I stayed true to that message. For one, I don’t think my money is hard earned at all, so I kinda just left them all scratched out on the table and not really caring about them.
Trait 3, silently pushing some crazy complex agenda that no one will ever get. Almost all the actions I take and blatantly shown off are so people get the message that life is mostly in your control. There are things like human relationships that are out of your controls, but the time you have, the energy level, and even your personality are within your control.
Working and your job are the simplest things that you can control. A lot of time is really what you want and prioritise. People have some very strange sense of obligations. They have weird thoughts like they need to stay back longer at work to deserve their pay. Long hours and stress are mostly self-induced. I earned 140k per year and have all the free time in the world and relatively low stress. It’s not amazing money, but I think I have struck a very nice balance, and this is really the best I can do with my attitude and aptitude. There’s no stress because I am financially savvy enough to have enough buffer that I can live comfortably for quite a long while, even if I got fired tomorrow. Again, it’s all choices, and if you make the right decisions, work life gets a lot simpler.
So that’s the current chapter of my life. I am still failing romantically and might probably be single forever, but I say that not with resignation or animosity. I said it not even as acceptance. I said it with full contentment, and I allowed it to happen because of my priority.
I have a situationship of 3 months with someone, and it made me learn so much about myself. I still think I will end up alone, but I came out from all of that to have a very clear and positive outlook of it. The fact that I did my best, had 0 mistakes and whole heartedly commit to it and it ended up not happening plus getting ghosted for a while before she ultimately called it off made me realise it’s really them, not me.
It made me realise something I should have realised earlier and give myself the credit for, I am a good person. If you are willing to compromise, trying to make things work by putting tons of effort while being able to do pretty all right in life, being fully honest and truthful, giving them all kind of time and spaces plus genuinely care for them and when it ends, you fully accept and understand the why and how without asking, yet they can’t even think of you as a friend when things end rather amicably, which you genuinely don’t mind because more friends is always better, you have done your part and it’s really the issue of the other party.
It really doesn’t matter what they think. They might think you are playing games, have ulterior motives, and whatever by extending your friendship, but if you are really earnest and genuine, it actually will create a stronger positive loop because it is inrefutable that you are at least a nicer, more trusting and less judgemental person than those who think that and you should really be 100% earnest to prove them wrong.
So always be genuine nice. Never be negative or bitter when rejections come, and being able to do that really makes you a better person because it’s so difficult not to be negative. I have to be dragged through the mud a lot to finally see how things should be seen. I became as positive as I am today through tons of resentment, mistakes, animosity, and negativity, so I know this shit is earned and real. There is 0 doubt now.
Going off topic a bit, I think it’s very easy for me to be altruistic because I don’t give a shit about myself. Instead of self-destructive vices, me being able to channel such an unhealthy outlook of myself into something so positive with that level of self-awareness is awesome. How else can you describe that? If I saw a character like me in a show, it would be a lovable character.
I honestly think if I write my story, it will be a very complex and interesting character befitting of a main character. If not, why would I love stories where I can see a bit of myself?
Through all aspects of life, I think when people give me a chance or an opportunity, I almost always put in full effort and usually live up to the promise or at least you can’t accuse me of not trying the hardest. I am always afraid how I have no talent in things, which is true, but reframing it, if that’s true, then I have maxed out and exceeded my potential and punched way above my weight.
I am very contented and happy how I turned out, a genuine and earnest person who put in time, effort, and commitment to care about people around me and speak his mind. So I know if no animosity came out of my mouth and thoughts, it means I truly have zero negativity. If you know you are sincere and truthful, then you know you are not an imposter, and what others think is not very important because you know they are wrong anyway.
For eg, I am 100% certain when I say I don’t care about more money while adding the fact that any pursuit of monetary is just a good to have and became more like a validation than necessity.
I used to still think not long ago that’s a personality flaw of mine because no girls will ever like that since financial security(and driven/ambitious kinda always mean more money) and feeling secured is a very important and attractive trait. Not anymore, now I just think that’s a misalignment in values, and I have to prove I am right by living life 100% contented and own that thinking of mine. If no one can match that value for whatever reason and got turned off because I said what I said about money, it’s not my fault at all. It just means I am a unicorn, and you are not on the same wavelength, which I 100% think is superior if not why would I think that?
I said that because the funny shit is I earn 6 figures annually and on route to be a millionaire by 35 while being from such disadvantaged backgrounds where not a lot of people can objectively out compete me in poverty Olympic. I am the definition of financial secured, and I don’t mind compromising my time to earn even more if that’s what my partner wants since I definitely have ample time and space to achieve that. I am also driven and ambitious in my own way because I see things through and still hold on to the dream of making a movie one day.
That’s not the only thing. I think I have lots of unpopular beliefs, and they all don’t match what people will generally find attractive. I used to think those are my personality flaws, being a weirdo and all, but now I just think people just can’t keep up because they don’t think and feel as deeply or have never see things I saw and contemplate.
If no one can agree to it, especially when I don’t even think it will create any issue since I am so ready to accommodate, then what can you realistically do if no one actually believes what you say even though you are 100% earnest anyway? Nothing! Being alone has its perks anyway, and I can go either way!
I have to reiterate, I will read my own story and come out thinking he will be an interesting character befitting of a main character, warts and all. Why? Because I see myself in a lot of the great stories I read. They resonate for a reason. That’s how I think life should be looked at. Do you think your story will be interesting? Don’t care about whether people will find it interesting; do you yourself find it interesting? If not, why don’t you shape yourself to be someone you can actually like in a story?
Pulling yourself out like that really makes all the feeling of narcissistic/ low self-esteem and self-indulgence gone since you are looking at yourself from a surrogate character.
I think what men want is very simple. For people to care about them, that’s all. Most men have never received any compliments in their life. Most men don’t really have anyone that care about them past the surface level.
I got this relevation when I was talking to a friend about what went right/wrong for us to think of wanting to live in a mountain alone, cut off, and detached from everyone. He said one word,”NOTHING.” That’s it. The void is there precisely because nothing happens. Nothing as in no human touch, no romance, no deep relationship, no one out there who even barely understands you. No great events and no terrible trauma.
It makes so much fucking sense to me now. This might also answer why depression makes no sense since nothing happens. However, if you reframe it in another angle, nothingness breeds apathy since nothing matters anyway! You expected nothing, and you got nothing. You tried, you got nothing, you didn’t try, and you got nothing too.
It now kind of answers the biggest mystery that befuddled myself. Why was I depressed? And nothing fits the puzzle perfectly!
The more concrete thing to pinpoint down is that I am still suffering the same anxiety and doubt as Raskolnikov in Crime and Punishment. I didn’t murder anyone, but if you read the book, even though the murder was a factor, the biggest factor of his anxiety was not being able to achieve greatness and his inability to accept that was his aptitude limit. It’s not the murder that troubled him. It was the fact that he couldn’t cross the line and be like Napoleon. Napolean won’t be emotionally distraught by such a small killing because he slaughtered so many without qualms and was celebrated as greatness. Raskolnikov fully understood he could never reach that level!
But what saved him in the end? Unconditioned love and care from Sonya, who understood. Even though he received it in the form of his sister and mom, both of them were not in the know, so he thought the care was misguided because they didn’t truly understand what he had done. He only confessed everything to Sonya, and she chose to care.
In some sense, his fall to depression outside of the murder was due to nothing. No one understood his paper. People seemed to care about him but not with that level of deep understanding and connections, so he felt that no one cared. No one cared because no one one cared enough to talk to him about his ideas on Napoleon and his root of anxiety.
I am similar, I don’t think anyone actually sat down with me before and picked my brain apart. No one ever cared what I truly think is important. No one is even interested in understanding how and why I think they are important.
And how did I fall into the abyss of no return? Zero support system. How did I not kill myself back then? A simple steam conversation with a friend who didn’t dimiss what I want to say.
Nothing threw me into the abyss. The hope of something, good or bad, was my spider thread.
That’s why I currently truly believe in human connections, and 100% accertain my reaching out is 100% positive, and even if it garners irk or no response, the motivation and intention are 100% correct. If no one formed my support system, I would be theirs. Tiny messages of telling them I care to make sure they know that someone out there cares!
Is that messiah syndrome? Who the fuck cares I went thru it and hoped for a messiah, fake or not if their action came from someplace genuine.
I Wish I Could See Your Insides 
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